


Please Don't Leave Me

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 10/10 would not reccomend, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depressed Levi, Eren's A Dork, Eren's dad abuses him (sorry), Erwin's An Ass, Explicit Language, Homophobic Language, I know I'm sorry, Insomnia, Levi Works At A Coffee Shop, Levi has a bad past, M/M, Minor Armin Arlert/Erwin Smith, Minor Character Death, P disappointing story if you ask me, Past Jean Kirstein/Eren Yeager, Past Levi/Erwin Smith, Underage Drinking, kinda unhealthy relationship for Jean/Eren, non-binary hanji, sorta nsfw in chapter 4 but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-03-30 00:26:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 43,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3916318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger is a 20 year-old meme-loving fuck up who lives a home with his parents and can't completely cut ties with anyone, no matter what they do to him.<br/>Levi Ackerman is a depressed barista at the not-so-famous cafe Heichou who is convinced that everyone who gets close to him will leave once they find out who he really is.<br/>Angst! Awkwardness! Fluff! Yay!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ANOTHER FANFICTION  
> *distant screaming*  
> So I think I'm going to update this every other week and do the same with Keep Dreaming, so like it keep switching off between the two. I don't have enough time (and I'm kinda just too lazy) to write two chapters of either fanfic each week, and so this is the best solution. Unfortunately, that means that if you love one fanfiction and not the other, you'll have to wait two weeks for a new update, but lets be honest no one is going to get attached to either story so we're all good.  
> Anyway, here's Please Don't Leave Me

“Aww, come on. You know you love me.”

This is a phrase that Hanji tends to say with way too much confidence. I do not love them. Everything they say pisses me off. But they are one of the closest people I have to a friend, so I tolerate them. However, Hanji seems to be overestimating the limits of my attachment, which often results in situations like these.

“Hanji, I will throw my tea in your face.” I growl, before taking another sip.

Hanji throws up their hands in defense, but still wears a mad grin. They then proceed to chug down the rest of their coffee and yelp with joy, “Oh, do I love the fall! The Pumpkin Spice lattes! The crisp air! Even a grumpy old man like you can appreciate it!”

I exhale sharply. I’m not an old man. I just gotten out of college.

Hanji punches my arm, “You know I’m just messing with you. I know you hate winter, but it’s catching up with you soon. And then Christmas!” They glow with anticipation for the holiday to come. I roll my eyes.

The city of Maria feels empty this late at night. Most of the nightlife happens in Sina, but here in Maria it’s peaceful and still. I close my eyes and take a deep breath of the chill air. I enjoy these walks, even if I have to share them with a loser like Hanji. It’s a nice reward at the end of a stressful day. And today was sure stressful. One of my employees quit, and Oluo didn’t want to take his shift for the week. He’s stubborn, which I despise, but he’s good at his job, and I can’t afford to lose him. So there I was, having to ask Petra to take yet another shift. She was nice about it, as usual. She probably did it so I would like her back.

“Why the longer face?” Hanji just doesn’t know how to shut the fuck up, do they? “Come on, you can tell me. I’m your best friend.”

I sigh with defeat, “Petra.”

Hanji’s face lights up, the little ass, “Ooo, the pretty girl who works at the cash register? She’s cute. And head over heels for you.”

“Yeah, I know that.”

Their face drops, “You don’t like her back, do you.” I choose to answer their question with silence, “Oh, that poor girl. Don’t be hard on her.”

“Maybe you should ask her out.” I mumble

“Maybe you should shut your mouth, young man.” They toss the empty cup in the trashcan, “It’s not my fault you haven’t liked anyone since high school, and now you’re all angry at me because I take pity on a poor girl who liked you.”

“Likes.” I correct them

“And how does that make the situation any better than it did before? It makes it worse. So you can shut your sassy mouth.” I press my lips together. Hanji knows how to shut me up, that’s for sure.

We finish our walk in comfortable silence, each of us trapped in our own thoughts. When we arrive at the coffee house, Hanji says their goodbyes, with promises to visit tomorrow. I nod and go inside the small café. I live on the top floor with Erwin, an annoying tall blond man. You know the type. I don’t love Erwin, but I don’t hate him, either. I respect him. He had come to Trost with nothing but a suitcase and managed to create an awfully nice life for himself, even opened up his own coffee shop. He also brought me in from the streets, which is, by itself, a pretty nice move, and then proceeded to treat me as his equal. He’s cool, I guess.

I jog up the spiral staircase and into the apartment. It’s mostly dark, save for the dim lamp light bleeding from Erwin’s room. I throw my leather jacket on the counter and sit on the couch, which creaks as I put my weight on it. I lay my head back and close my eyes. I’m so tired. I’m so awake. I’m so empty. I’m too full. I’m a man of contradictions, and I confuse myself. This is how it is, how it always has been since the day my own father turned his back on me. I don’t know why I always think about it late at night, why I let it keep me awake and drive me crazy. I don’t know why I let the memory of a door being slammed in my face consume me and beat me, but I do. I always do.

I let out a groan and bury my face in the pillows, wishing it away, but not strong enough to do anything. I pull up my legs to lay down on the cushions, closing my eyes, even if I know it’s no use. I’m not going to sleep tonight.

A deep voice startles me.

“We both know that’s not gonna work.”

I sigh, “Erwin, go to sleep. My problems aren’t yours to worry about.”

“I’m not worrying, I’m just bored, the same as I imagine you are.”

I sit up, “And you can’t sleep because…”

He comes and sits next me, letting out a puff of air as he comes in contact with the couch, “Money.” It’s always the money. I cross my legs, “You know, the coffee shop has been slow recently.”

“Yeah. I know. It’s mostly because we’re running out of employees. Another one left, today.”

“Another? These guys are dropping like flies.”

“They aren’t dead.” I pause, “Erwin.”

He sucks in his breath, and glances up. He must be wondering when the last time I used his name was. It has been a while.

“You know, the last time you used my name, you were screaming it.” He chuckled, bastard.

“Fuck you, Erwin.”

“You say that, but the way you keep saying my name makes me think you actually want to.” Can he stop talking? I turn my head to look the other way, not wanting to look at the disgusting man that is Erwin Smith, “Aww, Levi. You know I’m just messing with you.”

“You know that I’m not comfortable talking about our past.”

“Yeah,” He sighs, “I know.”

I look over at him again. He’s slouched a little lower, crossing his arms. His eyes meet mine, and there’s definitely tension there. Nobody really gets over Erwin, and Erwin never really gets over anybody until he meets someone new. That’s how it was with Hanji, and now he acts like it never happens. Hanji tries, but it’s hard for them. Especially considering the way Erwin broke their heart.

“Levi, you should find someone.” He said what. I glare at him, “Hey, hey, hey. Don’t get all hostile. I’m just saying that I’ve moved on, and you should too.”

“You moved onto someone ten years younger than you.”

“Yeah? Is there a problem with that? As long as we’re both happy, love isn’t wrong.”  
“Does that mean you’re going to fuck a dog after him?”

He narrowed his eyes, “That’s not what I mean. It’s not illegal or anything. And the point is, you need someone to make you happy. I don’t think that Hanji and I are enough for you. Listen, tomorrow I’m going to a party at Armin’s place. You’re coming with, no excuses. It’s after work, and I can imagine that Hanji would be okay with you skipping a night of walking.”

“I don’t want to go to a party.”

“Too bad, then. You’re coming with if I have to drag you.” I huff, “Hey, think about it this way. Maybe you’ll be able to recruit someone there.”

“The only people going to that party are a bunch of lame college students, and then of course, you. The creepy 34 year-old boyfriend of the host-”

He snaps, “Well maybe we need some ‘lame college students”, Levi. We have no other choice. We’re close to broke, dammit, and I don’t want to also worry about you. So you’re going to go to that party and you’re going to meet someone who can deal with you.”

He never snaps. Never.

_Someone who can deal with you._

Everyone. Everyone I make a part of my life. Everyone gets sick of me eventually.

I can’t stay here. I stand up and grab my coat, starting towards the door when Erwin’s hand catches my wrist.

“Levi, please. Don’t go out there.” I look down at him. He’s so pathetic. He’s so small. He’s nothing.

I open the door to the coffee shop and slam it behind me. Before I notice it, I’m running, slipping my arms through the sleeves of my coat as I go. A splash of guilt explodes in me before I remind myself that he doesn’t want me there, not really. The fall wind hits me as I run outside and then it’s down, down the street, around the corner, down two blocks, to my left, and there it is. Survey Corps Park. I wrap my fingers around the gate and put all my strength into pushing it open. Metal screeches against the concrete, but it doesn’t bother me. It’s welcoming.

Big ass trees line the edges, looming over the park. It would usually block most of the sunlight from coming in, but now moonlight slips through the leaves and coats the park with a feeling of serenity. black metal benches sit next to lamps in the inside, facing the huge abandoned field. The grass is new and untouched, probably because only few dare to enter this park. I walk over to the nearest bench and collapse in it, hearing my heartbeat start to slow down. I try to clear my head of all thoughts Erwin, even trying to forget about my dad, just for a moment or two. The breeze pulls me into a sweet, calming, comfortable hug. It’ll be okay.

A tennis ball slaps my face.

Oh, hell no.

I open my eyes slowly, my nose still stinging from the collision. I see the culprit almost immediately. A little scrawny boy, couldn’t be older than twenty, stares at me, mouth open, maybe ten feet back. Oh, he knows what he’s done. He better be fucking terrified.

“He-hey. I umm, I’m-”  
“Tell me, do you do track.”

He tilts his head, “No?”

“I’m surprised. I would have thought that you loved running, since you want to do it so bad.”

“What?” He’s confused. Idiot.

In an instant I’m on my feet, running at him. He yelps and starts off, sprinting in the other direction. I squint my eyes to focus on him better, and I can feel my legs practically flying across the grass. He turns his head slightly to the side to see me, and when he sees how close I am, he screams and runs a little harder. Unfortunately for him, not faster.

I wrap my arms around his neck and jump on to him, tackling him to the ground. I pin his arms down, growling at the boy. He swallows.

“EXCUSE ME, SIR, I DIDN’T WANT TO DISRUPT YOU OR HIT YOU IN THE FACE I WAS JUST TRYING TO SEE HOW FAR I COULD THROW IT AND THEN IT HIT YOU ON ITS WAY DOWN AND I AM SO SORRY. PLEASE DON’T HURT ME. IM SO SORRY.”

What an awkward little fuck.

I roll off him, collapsing on the grass. He’s still for a moment, not daring to even breathe, before he lets out a long sigh. Both of us gasp for breath, but I recover quicker than he does. I stand up, brushing the dirt off my jeans. As I watch him, completely out of breath, I consider helping him up. Or I could go back to where I was sitting. That seems like the better option.

I walk over to the bench I was at before and lean back on it, trying to get my emotions in check again. I must sit there for what, thirty minutes, before deciding to walk back to the hotel. Erwin will be asleep by now, and the bench is starting to get uncomfortable. As I near the gate, I hear a small voice behind me.

“Thank you!”

I choose to ignore it.


	2. Eren's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's a huge dork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the title says, this is going to be in Eren's POV.  
> Here's the second chapter of Please Don't Leave Me!

Mikasa needs to stop waking me up like this every damn morning or I swear I’ll rip her phone cord in half. How would she like that, huh?

Well actually she would probably beat me up.

Nevermind about that.

But it’s still really annoying to wake up to the sound of My Chemical Romance at full volume blowing a dent in your skull. She could have at least deafened me with a band I like. Like Fun. Everyone likes Fun.

Or I guess not everyone does, something I learn as I wake up to the beat of _Honey, This Mirror Isn’t Big Enough For The Two Of Us._

“Mikasa…” I roll over on my side, holding my legs close to my chest.

“Get up.”

“MiKASA…” She turns up the volume a notch, and at this point I can’t even hear the tune of the song, just buzzing.

“Eren, we have 15 minutes. We need to go.” I hate it when she’s right. Especially when it keeps me from doing stuff like sleeping. Nice, comfy sleep.

Before I know it a sharp flash of pain spreads through my shoulder. I open my eyes to see her palm where the pain came from.

“Wow. Thanks, ‘Kasa. Great sister.”

“Literally, you have one minute before I drag you out of this bed Eren Jaeger.” I let out one more groan before slowly pulling myself up onto my arm. I wipe the sleep from my eyes. Sure, everything’s still blurry, but it feels good.

“Glasses.”

“Yep, those are my glasses. Thanks for shoving them into my hand. 'Preciate it.” She doesn’t say anything, but we both know that I actually needed them to be put into hand or else I would have spent the next five minutes searching around my cluttered bedside table for them. There is one pro of living with your family: Most of the time, they know you better than you do.

I lazily push my glasses on and look up to see Mikasa’s hand. I take it generously and she pulls me up. Damn, she’s strong for a 16 year-old.

That, or I’m weak for a 20 year-old.

I’m gonna convince myself of the first option.

Mikasa starts to walk out the door, before stopping and looking over her shoulder, “Mom picked out clothes for you.” Before I have a chance to complain, she slams the door.

I glance over at the clothes Mom picked out for me. A grey striped polo and khaki shorts. She obviously doesn't realize that a) It’s the middle of winter, and b) I’m not a preppy asshole. I throw open my drawer and pull out a pair of jeans and a pullover Cubs hoodie. Perfect.

I take a quick glance in the mirror, stroking an hand over the slight stubble poking out of my chin. Eh, nobody cares if the failure of the family looks like shit. I certainly don’t.

My ears are still ringing from Mikasa’s emo music. I ruffle up my hair a bit before dragging myself downstairs, breathing in the smell of breakfast. Okay, so thats another pro of living with your parents: Home cooked breakfast.

Today it’s bacon and eggs, which I know for a fact is Mikasa’s favorite. She sits eagerly at the table, next to my dad. Oh look. It’s an asshole.

“Eren, honey. Do you mind setting the table?” Mom.

I grunt and move over to the plates she had already set out for me, carrying them to the table. I place one per chair, mentally sitting myself as far away from Dad as possible. The last thing I want is to be pulled into another one of his side conversations.

I finish pouring Mikasa’s orange juice as my mom finishes putting the bacon on it’s plate. Mom doesn’t even let me steal a piece as I walk past, slapping my hand away. Okay, rude.

The minute I sit down I’m digging into my breakfast, stuffing full piece of bacon into my mouth, washing it down with a chug of orange juice. It’s not like Mom’s gonna say anything, except for a few disapproving glances, and Mikasa could care less about my table manners.

Except, of course, there’s my dad.

“I didn’t realize we were pigs.”

I stop inhaling my food for a minute, shifting my attention to the man two seats away from me. I start to scoot down a little in my chair because as defiant as I am towards my dad, he’s scary. He raises an eyebrow at me, daring me to speak. No. I’m not going to speak. You’re intimidating as hell and I want you to stop. I glare at the ground, trying to channel all my anger and hatred into the floor boards. When I dart my eyes to my dad, he’s still glowering at me. Yeah, nope. Not looking at that.

I know that this is uncomfortable for Mom and Mikasa. I know that this isn’t fair to them. But Dad doesn’t care, oh no. Because heaven forbid I eat my breakfast how I freaking like. Mom won’t say anything (she’s as scared of Dad as I am, maybe even more), but Mikasa on the other hand-

Silverware clatters together as it’s dropped, a little forcefully, on her plate. The chair screeches as it’s pulled back, and Mikasa is on her feet. She plants a kiss on Mom’s cheek and grabs my wrist, pulling me out of my chair.

“I have to get to school and Eren, as my older brother, has to drive me. Bye mom. Bye dad." She swings her backpack over her shoulders in a fluid motion, throwing me the car keys. The graceful fuck I am misses, but I still jump to try and catch them. Nope. Not gonna happen.

“Smooth.”

“Mikasa, you hurt me.” I hold a hand to my heart in mock offensive, which she swats away. I guess she doesn’t appreciate my humor.

It’s way colder than I expected, and I am definitely not prepared. The wind blows through my hoodie like it’s tissue paper, but I puff my chest out, putting my hands in my pockets. I’m not shivering, Imma man. Men don’t shiver. Men must be swift as a coursing river. With all the force of a great typhoon. With all the strength of a raging fire. Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

Wait, Mikasa’s waiting for me.

She tugs on the passenger door handle impatiently. I pull one hand out of my pockets to unlock the door and she jumps into the family minivan. I crawl into the driver seat and work the keys into the ignition, starting the car. Mikasa knows how to drive but she prefers to have me take her to school. Why? Beats me.

Mikasa’s on her phone for most of the drive, checking Tumblr or whatever, but I don’t mind. It’s not like she’s the type to talk about school or anything. She keep to herself, which I’m fine with. Plus, Tumblr’s pretty cool. I get her.

Also, I get to choose the music. I hook my phone up, putting on _Some Nights._ I tap my fingers against the steering wheel to the beat. Mikasa looks up at me momentarily, obviously disappointed in my music choice.

“What? This is my jam.” I grin at her, but she just rolls her eyes.

“Come on, Eren. Fun.”

“Everyone loves Fun.” She mumbles something like “Not everyone.” She needs to shut her mouth and enjoy some good music.

“So,” I cough, looking over at her phone before returning my eyes to the road, “What are the memes these days?”

I don’t think I ever heard a genuine embarrassed laugh from anyone besides my sister. Usually it’s just nervous laughs from my mom when I say stuff like this, but she actually bursts out in laughter. It was a simple question. She doesn’t have to be so rude about it.

“Are you serious?” See? Rude.

“I’m serious. I haven’t been on Tumblr for ages.”

“What do you even do all day?”

“I’m finding a job, ‘Kasa! I don’t have time for browsing the web.” She leans back into her chair. She doesn’t believe me, I mean I wouldn’t.

Finally she says, “Snemes. Snail memes.”

“Oh, nice.” She shakes her head with as smile and looks out the window, watching the city zoom by.

When we get to her school, she quickly says goodbye and hops out of the car, running to catch up with her friends. I wait until she’s inside the building before driving home.

I stop by McDonalds on my way, due to the fact I didn’t even get finish my damn breakfast before Dad threw a fit. When I order my Quarter Pounder and take my place in the parking lot, I get a call from Connie.

“Bro!” He’s shouting. Why is he shouting?

“Hey, Connie. What’s up man?”

“Bro, Armin’s having a party tomorrow night. You have to go. It’s gonna be wild, and I mean like, he’s your best bro so you have to go. Bro code.”

I sigh, “Connie, there’s no such thing as ‘bro code’.”

“How would you know. Just come, okay, bro?”

I wave my hand dismissively, as if he could see it, “Yeah, yeah. I’m going.”

“Great. I’ll see you then, bro.”

“Alright, see you then.” I hang up the phone. He has to chill with this whole bro thing.

I finish up my burger and start on my way home.

 

The truth is, I actually don’t do anything all day. It’s not like I can call up any friends. They all go to college, and when they’re not in class they’re hanging out with other college students. Not me.

I mess around for most of the day on the interwebs, wasting yet another day that could have been used minimum-wage-job hunting. It’s night, which means, as a 20 year-old, I should do something stupid and irresponsible.

I’m gonna go to the park.

There’s this creepy ass park in the middle of Maria which I’ve been meaning to check out. Connie doesn’t like it. Or Sasha. Or Marco. Or any of my friends to be honest. But the large looming trees seem comforting to me. It feels abnormally like home. Plus, it’s a fifteen minute walk from here, and I have a tennis ball that I found in my closet a week ago that I want to play with. Yeah, don’t have anyone to play with. You can’t stop me.

Mikasa meets me at the top of the stairs. She’s leaning against a wall with one eyebrow up and is looking very, admittedly, punk rock.

“Where are you off to?”

“Gosh, 'Kasa. Are you my mom?” I smile at her, despite the sass.

“No, but I might as well be. You need all the parents you can get, with all your sneaking around. Where are you going at this hour?” She’s pretty funny when she’s being sarcastic.

I laugh, “Okay. I’m going out to drink with friends. You caught me.” The corner of her lips twitches up into a half smile as she steps to the side, letting me pass.

“Have fun!” She calls after me, and for a second I wonder if she believed me. I turn back momentarily to see her laughing her ass off, which I scowl at. Sisters suck when they’re not impressed by you, which is like, always with Mikasa. I make a point of slamming the door behind me. Wait, shit. It’s like two in the morning. Dad is going to freak at me in the morning.

Well, the morning is only as far away as I let it.

I’m prepared for the cold this time. I even feel a little warm under my dad’s thick winter jacket, but it’s better than being cold. I can handle the heat.

Maria feels abandoned, but peaceful. I try to step on as many leaves as possible, loving the feeling as they crunch beneath my feet. It’s not a long walk to the park, but long enough to enjoy. I’m not really a poetic person, but I feel like this is a pretty poetic moment, and I hope someone out there is making a sick ass poem about it.

I’m close enough to the gate to read the sign that hangs from it: Survey Corps Park. I like it. The gate scratches against the path as it swings open, causing me to cringe. God, I hate that sound. It’s just so-

Wow. This is beautiful.

A stone slab path carries throughout the park, weeds growing through the cracks. Overgrown bushes surround the trees. A huge field stands directly in the middle, which is practically calling my name. I run towards it, kicking off my shoes at the edge. I run to the other side of the field and throw the ball into the air, letting out a sigh as it lands perfectly in my hand. I laugh, and throw it again. I look over to where I left my shoes. It’s too dark to see anything on that side, the lamps don’t extend their light that far, but that’s okay. It’s not like someone's going to come in and steal my shoes. I could probably take them if they did.

I throw the ball to myself for a little longer, but by now I’m pretty freaking bored. Not tired, though, unfortunately. So I might as well do something else here to use up that last bit of caffeine.

I haven’t actually thrown long distance in a while since high school. I mean, I was the best player on the Titans. A skill like that isn’t going to go away _that_ quickly. I hold the ball in my right hand and prepare to throw. I take a step forward and launch the ball down the length of the field, and may I say, it’s a damn good throw. But, oh. I guess that guy doesn't think so. Grey eyes open to shoot holes into my head. If looks could kill… I messed up. I messed up. Oh god.

“He-hey. I umm, I’m-” Oh no. Don’t kill me.

“Tell me, do you do track.” What the heck. What is he getting at?

“No?”

“I’m surprised. I would have thought that you loved running, since you want to do it so bad.” Wait, did he see me jog over or something? Is he being nice about this. Props to him, If a kid threw a ball at my head I would probably punch him in the face.

“What?”

As if my question set off a trigger in his head, he’s up and running. What? What did I say? I let out a rather unmanly yelp and start sprinting away from him, running to where I was last. The grass tickles my feet, but I honestly don’t care because someone is about to murder me. After a while, I look back to see if he’s still there and yep thats him, fuck. He’s kinda short. Like an angry goblin or something. How is he able to go this fast? I’m taller than him! I took baseball! I was good at baseball!

Suddenly I’m being tackled to the ground. This is the end for me. Right here in Survey Corps Park. They’ll never find my body. His hands are on my arms, holding me down. He glares down at me with hatred. This might be the absolute worst time to be thinking about this, but this is the sexiest man I have ever laid my eyes upon. Why, if I didn't piss him off, I could have seduced him with my awkwardness. He bares his teeth at me, and I honestly do not think I would want to get up if I could. Well, if it wasn’t for the party heating up down south. I bite my lips. Please don’t. Don’t make this man hate me even more than he already does. Oh please, please. please.

Before I know it, I’m saying stuff. Stupid stuff. “EXCUSE ME, SIR, I DIDN’T WANT TO DISRUPT YOU OR HIT YOU IN THE FACE I WAS JUST TRYING TO SEE HOW FAR I COULD THROW IT AND THEN IT HIT YOU ON ITS WAY DOWN AND I AM SO SORRY. PLEASE DON’T HURT ME. IM SO SORRY.”

His eyebrows furrow, but he rolls off me onto the grass. I can’t move. This isn’t working for me. Right, breathing.

He stands up, brushing off his jeans. I swallow, but I’m not able to get up myself. Damn you, sexy beast. Everyone is so rude.

He looks me over (Checking me out? Hopefully?), before walking back to his bench. All I can do is watch him go. Once he’s too far away to see in the darkness, I collapse again, just breathing. I might fall asleep, I don’t know.

A little while later I decide to head back home, hoping that the angry man has left by now. As I near my shoes, I see him fumbling with the gate handle.

“Thank you!” I call out to him without thinking. He doesn’t answer me. I mean, what would he say? I put my sneakers back on and start on the journey home. The house is dark and quiet by the time, probably because it’s like four in the morning now. I sneak in, creeping up to my room without making too much sound. I’m tired enough to go to sleep, now, which I need. After all, tomorrow’s Armin’s party.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't actually listen to Fun. that much, but Eren would.  
> I'm really excited to write this fanfiction. It's gonna be a blast.  
> Please leave comments! I appreciate them the most! (But I appreciate everything you guys do for me tbh).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Party time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS!  
> I am so so sorry for not updating last week. I was under a lot of stress with social stuff, moving, and school so I didn't really have a chance to sit down and write. But here it is. A chapter. Oh golly gee.  
> I really hope you like it. I'm thinking of switching this over an Eren POV only fanfiction because I can write a lot more with Eren, so sorry about only that little piece of Levi at the beginning.  
> SO COOL OKAY FANFICTION

 

I only got an hour of sleep. One hour. I start feeling the affects of it the minute I gain consciousness.

Keeping my eyes open is a physical exercise I have to do every morning. By the time I’m able to keep them from shutting closed, I move into getting up.

Come on. You have to do this.

But I can’t move my arms. They stay planted besides me. My entire body stays motionless, no matter how much I try to convince myself that this is necessary.

This is dumb. Why can’t I move my fucking body.

After about ten more tries, I manage to hoist myself up onto my elbows, and from there it’s easier. I sit up and roll my shoulders back, relieving the tension on them from the uncomfortable cushions of my couch.

Erwin’s not here (he must be working), but there’s a cup of coffee on the kitchen table. I carry my blanket on my shoulders as I stand up and move towards the sweet smell of caffeine. The chairs are stupid, plastic, and uncomfortable, so I generally try not to sit on them. Instead, I grab my coffee and move back to the couch.

The familiar scent drifts through my nose with the steam. I sigh, bringing the mug to my lips and letting the bitter liquid hit my tongue. It burns, but I need to wake up if I’ll be tolerable today, so I take a full gulp. It stings as it trickles down my throat, but leaves me with a warm feeling inside. Nothing like a hot drink on a cold day. And a cold day it is. The leaves rattle against my window and the wind whistles outside.

I guess Hanji was right. I can appreciate the fall.

But that means that all the coffee drinkers of Maria do too. If that would mean money, sure, I wouldn’t mind it. However, since September, the coffee shop down the street has been stealing most of our customers, even some of our regulars. Sure, they have cheaper coffee, but it’s offensive to see amateurs getting more respect than someone who is actually good at his craft. Someone like me or Erwin, hell even Petra can make better coffee than those idiots. It didn’t effect us so much during the summer, but enter the cold weather, people want things to warm them up more than taste good.

I glance at the clock. 10:09. I guess I should be downstairs working my shift. After quickly brushing my teeth, combing my hair, and pulling on sweater and skinny jeans, I open the doors to the coffee shop, surprised to hear the sounds of glass clinking and chatter from downstairs. I rush, not run, down the steps and- damn. There are actual people. Erwin’s at the counter, smiling a a customer as they take their sweet time trying to order. Gunther is clearing a booth, while Eld is wiping down another. There are actual people in line. There are actual people sitting and drinking coffee with their friends. There are actual people here.

Once Erwin’s finished taking the customer’s order, he beckons me over.

Wait, shit. I’m mad at him. Whatever.

I do flash him a scowl as I walk over, which he responds with a cheeky grin, “Levi, you were supposed to be here ten minutes ago.”

“I just woke up, give me a break.”

Instead he hands me a coffee mug, “I need a caramel latte, I’ll get the coffee cake.”

He doesn’t let me take orders from customers, probably because of my "lack of people skills". That means I am left doing the hard work, while he smiles and says stupid little “good morning!”s and “have a nice day!”s. He’s not even that nice, but it works. The man knows how to make a customer happy, which gets him tips. Pretty smart, I guess. It’s a shame I don’t care enough to try it myself.

My day is filled with shouts from Erwin and coffee. I’m the best barista in the shop besides Erwin, and if anyone else did the job I wouldn’t be able to bitch about the other coffee shop being worse. And so from opening till closing, I work behind the counter making drinks. Recently my lack of sleep doesn’t affect this too much, with us never being busy and all, but today it hits me like a train.

I sit down at one of the counters. It’s break time for me, and Erwin usually gives me free food and coffee. The customers never talk to me during my breaks, luckily for them, but sometimes Petra or someone else will sit next to me. Today, it’s Hanji. Not a staff member, but I don’t exactly mind them either.

“So!” They chuckle, “How’s it going? You’re pretty busy today, aren’tcha.”

“Wow. Great observation. The best scientist in Maria.”

Hanji pouts, “Awww, you’re still not fun, with all this business you’re getting. What would make you happy then, Mr. Grumpy Pants.”

I stare over to where Erwin is chatting with a customer. Maybe she’s a regular. I don’t pay attention much.

“Erwin wants me to come to his boyfriend’s lame ass party.”

Hanji’s face lights up like a christmas tree, “I’ve heard about Armin’s party! It’s all any of my kids talk about!” When they say “my kids”, they’re referring to their biology class. I almost feel bad for the little brats, having to deal with Hanji as their teacher.

“Yeah. Those are kids. I barely get along with adults.”

Hanji sighs, “Some of them are only a year younger than you, you know.”

“Doesn’t mean-”

“Oh, look at the time!” Hanji is a rude little fuck, “I have class in a few. I’ll see you tonight, hmm?”

“I have that dumb party, if you haven’t already forgotten.” I mumble, drinking the last bit of my coffee

“Ahaha! So you admit that you’re going.”

“I guess.” They seem happy with my answer, bouncing up on their feet and practically sprinting out of the coffee shop. A couple of customers grumble about being pushed around by the madman, and I feel the same way. I bring my mug to the kitchen and clean it out, shoving it with the rest of the dishes before returning to work

_____________________

 

“You’re not seriously thinking of wearing that.”

I look down at my clothes. They’re not _that_ bad. Mikasa is just jealous of my sense of style.

“What’s so wrong about the-”

“Eren.” Oh okay, she wants to talk, “You are literally wearing the same exact outfit as you were yesterday.”

Well, yeah, but it’s a nice outfit. Plus I’m lazy. That too.

Mikasa doesn’t let me explain myself. She throws my drawers open and starts rummaging through them.

“Hey, hey, hey! Don’t look through my stuff!” I try to grab her arm but she moves it just in time, picking out a plain grey tee. She throws it at my chest, and then grabs a pair of jeans.

“Put these on.” She tosses the jeans to me, “I’ll be outside.”

I guess I don’t really have a choice. I lean over to close the door behind her, clutching onto my new clothes tightly. I haven’t worn this shirt in months, maybe even years. If it fits, it’ll be a miracle.

I pull my shirt off and throw it onto my bed. I hold that grey shirt out in front of me and- no. There’s no way that’s going to be comfortable. I guess I could try it on anyway.

I slip the new shirt on, which takes a bit of effort (especially working it over my glasses). I look in the mirror to see how it worked out. The shirt clings to my chest, but it kinda looks… hot? Yeah, I’m hot. Hot damn. I’m not really well built, but it still looks good, even making me look more defined than I really am. I guess Mikasa knows what’s she’s doing.

The jeans fit normally. They’re not extremely comfortable, but none of my jeans are. I don’t have the money to buy new pants, so the ones I have are presents from Mom that only sometimes fit me. But they look fine. I mean, I usually don’t care if I look my best, but this is an occasion.

Mikasa’s waiting for me outside, “So, aren’t you glad you aren’t wearing something that makes you look like you just rolled in a pile of shit?”

I try to get mad at her for cursing, but that doesn’t turn out too well, “Language! But yeah, I guess you’re right.”

She smiles in triumph. Stop.

“Good. Now, on the subject of what you look like, you need to shave.”

“No I don’t!” I stroke my chin self consciously.

“Yeah, you do. I’m guessing you know how to shave, right? Or are you really that hopeless.”

I don’t have any good comebacks and end up being trapped in the bathroom, shaving cream in one hand and a razor in the other. All these months spent looking like a failure, for nothing. I even took a shower this morning.

Mikasa drags me around the majority of the afternoon making me look right. Since mom’s at her friend’s house and dad’s at work, we have the house to ourselves. Mikasa utilizes this opportunity to blast music as we work. By the time I’m ready to leave, we’ve exhausted the Panic At The Disco Spotify playlist. Mikasa sings along to _Thnks fr th Mmrs_ as she fixes my coat, kissing me on the cheek.

“Okay, you can’t come home until you get laid. Have fun, too, but go find a girlfriend. You need one.”

I scowl, “Gosh, thanks ‘Kasa.”

“You know I love you. Stay safe.” With that, she opens the door and shoves me out the door, slamming it in my face.

I hurry down the block and around the corner, trying to get out of sight of anyone driving down our street. If my dad caught me, he’d probably actually kill me. I doubt he would be coming home this early, but I can’t take any chances. I want tonight to be fun. I don’t go to many parties. Usually Connie will throw a party every year after finals, but I don’t have finals, so naturally I’m not invited. What I do know is that Armin’s first party was wild. I had to miss it for a stupid roadtrip with my family. Tonight’s going to be a blast.

Armin’s not that far away, but it’s a longer walk than my one from yesterday. It’s also colder. I’m also hungry. But I guess I should try to enjoy the walk, if I’m going to be forced into it. Before long my legs start to ache. I’m three blocks away. Only three blocks. You can do this, Eren.

It’s pretty interesting to see how big the houses get as I walk down the street. I can’t imagine how expensive these must cost. It’s not like Sina, but it’s a pretty nice area, like the opposite of the Underground. Not too sure why it’s called that, but it’s where all the people who weren’t smart enough or from good enough families to do well in life are stuffed, with crappy apartments, dangerous streets, and all the other basic bad neighborhood traits. I’ve never met anyone from the Underground, and I’m not too sure if I want to. I don’t know, man. I’m not one to discriminate, but most people who grow up in that area become criminals.

Finally, I turn on Legion Road. Sounds like a street fit for a mansion. Sounds like a street fit for Armin.

Try to imagine a mansion. Like the most cliche chick-flick style mansion you could ever think up. Think of white marble pillars, front stairs leading down to a garden, a wrap around driveway. Think of a fountain with little stone babies and brightly colored flowers. Think of three stories of never-used rooms. That’s the house of Armin Arlert.

His parents are hella rich. It took me a lifetime of friendship to remember that his dad is a lawyer and his mom is a doctor, but I got there, and now I can explain it to anyone who asks.

I run up the stairs two-at-a-time, stuffing a hand in my pocket to pull out the spare key Armin gave me. He said that if life at home ever gets too much I could just crash there, bless his soul, but I haven’t really used that to my advantage yet. Someday. I mean, I don’t really like his house. It seems cold and empty to me. It’s not like home. Armin has told me way too many times that I’ll get used to it, but I haven’t yet. I mean, 17 years of play-dates and nothing’s changed. But today, that added space is going to benefit someone after all.

I open the big wooden doors to reveal a huge hall, staircases on either side. My sneakers squeak against the floors, the shrill sound echoing throughout the house. It seems pretty quiet. Did something happen? Was it cancelled last minute? Why didn’t Connie text me?

My ears pick up a laugh in the distance. Sounds like it could either be a girl or Armin. So okay, nothing bad has happened.

I hear the pitter patter of shoes running across marble as Sasha fucking Brauss appears from behind the corner, sprinting straight at me. I groan as she pulls me into a suffocating hug and plants a sloppy kiss on my cheek.

“Eren! You’re here! I haven’t seen you in forever!” She presses another kiss against my cheek, “I missed you like hell! Oh and Armin told me to tell you to leave the door open.”

“I missed you too Sasha, but I want alcohol.”

She grins up to me but didn’t let go. Come on Sasha. Come on.

Suddenly, just as my heart rate starts to slow down from her surprise attack, may I add, she shouts, “WINE AND BEER!”

Wow. What Broadway trash. She lets go, though (thank god), and proceeds to skip back to the kitchen, singing the lyrics to _La Vie Boheme_ under her breath. I follow her, entering the kitchen to find Armin, Connie, Annie, and-

Nope. Not him. Anyone but him.

There’s no way I’m going to spend an entire night with Jean Kirstein.

I swing around on my heels and walk right out again.

Connie groans as Jean shouts back to me, “Don’t be fucking rude.” I don’t care. I’m not going to deal with him.

I hear Armin running to catch up to me and I let him put his arm around mine. He doesn’t try to pull me back. He knows me better than that. Instead, he leads me up the stairs and into his room. We both plop onto his bed.

“So, Eren.” He smiles, “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

I guess I smile too because he shifts his position so his head is laying in my lap. I don’t mind, we’re practically gay lovers, you know if we weren’t best friends or anything.

“Why did you invite him?”

Armin shuffles in my lap, “He’s my friend, you know. You may not like him, but I do. Just try to avoid him for the night, okay?" I glare down at him, "I know, I know. I'm sorry. There will be many more people to talk to. Plus, Erwin will be here, and we all know how Jean feels about Erwin.”

“Yeah, that’ll be fun to watch.” Armin hits me playfully and I chuckle.

We sit like that for a few minutes before Armin sits up. I stand, offering my hand, which he takes generously. I love when we have our little talks. I mean, they seem so small, but every moment I get to spend with that little nerd makes me feel happy.

Armin, Connie, Sasha, Marco, Mikasa, Mom.

The people who care about me.

Jean, Annie, Ymir, Reiner, Bertolt, Dad.

The people who don’t.

These are the people in my life. The one’s who want to stay and the ones that I can never seem to let go, no matter what they do to me. With some of them- I get angry at them, at myself, at the world. But the others will always be there to give me a hug, a kiss, a distraction. I love them. I really do. But sometimes the people who don’t care about me disrupt my vision of the people who do, and all I can see is red.

I try not to notice Jean and Annie, but it’s hard not to hear the side comments they whisper not-quietly-enough into each others ears. What assholes. Connie slides me a beer from across the table. I mouth him a little “thank you” and he grins, holding Sasha’s waist in one arm and his own beer in the other.

More people start to fill up the house. Some people I’ve known forever, some people I’ve said hello to one or two times, and some people I’ve never even seen before, and I doubt Armin has either. Seems like everyone invited their friends and their friends’ friends to this party. It’s going to be crowded. Eventually, someone puts on music, but not good music, just dubstep stuff. It’s good enough to dance to, and before I know it I’m nodding my head along to the beat.

Some girl tries to dance with me, but I decline. Not verbally. Just walking, or jogging away. It may have been running. I may have ran away from the girl trying to flirt with me. No biggie.

I sit down next to Armin on the stairs. He taps his foot against the runner, head supported by the palm of his hand. I poke him in the stomach until he pays attention to me. It takes me like, seven jabs for him to even acknowledge my existence, but when he does he does it with a sigh and a change of position, my cue to talk.

“Hey, hey Armin.”

He groans.

“Armin, Armin. Come on, man. Talk to me.”

He throws his head between his legs.

“Armin, come on.”

“Eren, have you seen Erwin?”

So that’s what this is all about. Armin is getting Erwin-sick. Can’t blame him, if I had a boyfriend as hot as Erwin Smith I would probably just sleep until I got to see him again.

“No, sorry man. I mean, does he have work?”

Armin stares at me like he thinks I’m kidding. After registering that I’m dead serious, he rolls his eyes, “Did you not remember?”

“No…” Shit did he tell me already?

“He works at a coffee shop.”

Well thats not too bad, “Plenty of people need coffee at night.”

“Not coffee at their place. It’s the best in the city.” So he works at Cream and Sugar? No, I would’ve seen him. Oh well, I don’t care enough to ask.

I wait with Armin for Erwin and his friends to arrive and we exchange polite conversation, catching up on the things we haven’t told each other through texts. It takes 25 minutes for Erwin’s car to pull in out front. Armin runs to the door as soon as he sees the headlights.

I stand up but I don’t go up to the door like Armin. Instead, I lean against the handrail. Nothing against Erwin, but I just don’t like him. He creeps me out a little, to be perfectly honest, but I try to be supportive of their relationship. After all, even Erwin can’t cover up his bad reputation, and I don’t think that relationship will last very long.

The door opens and the big blonde man enters carrying a 4-pack. He drops it just in time to catch Armin in his arms and give him a kiss. Look at this cute couple. Disgusting.

“Hey, Eren! How are you?” Erwin grins from the bottom of the stairs.

I give him a smile. I wonder if it looked as fake as it felt, “I’m feeling pretty rad. This party is rocking.”

“Come join us. We’re going into the kitchen to drop of Erwin’s beer.” Okay, Armin. For you.

I shuffle through the crowd, instantly losing track of them. I just gotta find the kitchen. I knock into a few people on my way, but they’re either too drunk or just don’t care enough to notice.

The kitchen isn’t as crowded, which gives me a little air to breathe. Armin sits on Erwin’s lap on the barstool, but I try to ignore the cute relationship stuff as I grab my second beer of the night, popping it open with my Adventure Time bottle opener keychain. It’s times like these that you really appreciate how much time you spend on the internet looking at useless things. Now, Jake the Dog can help me get drunk anywhere.

“I have two other friends who should enter shortly. Levi and Hanji?” Armin nods at Erwin’s question. I guess Armin has met Levi and Hanji. I haven’t. “They’re outside. I think Hanji’s trying to convince him to get inside.”

“What are they like?” I pipe in.

Erwin laughs, “You might like Hanji, or she might scare you. God knows why she came, but maybe Levi forced her to come. They’re pretty close.”

“Who’s Levi?” Why am I even asking?

“Oh, you’ll hate him. You guys are polar opposites, personality wise.” Oh fun. Guess I won’t be making any friends today. I slump down into the barstool a bit away from them, taking another drink of my beer.

Erwin and Armin snuggle up against each other. I am 95% sure that Erwin will stay the night tonight. I’ll bet myself ten bucks on it.

Erwin checks his phone and smiles, “They’re on their way.”

I expected this night to go one of two ways: Either I get drunk and do something crazy and stupid, or I stay sober, good and boring. Nothing exciting would happen, but it would be fun. I would have a good laugh about it tomorrow morning and be done with it. I didn’t expect it to be life changing.

But the minute I see that grumpy man I pissed off yesterday being practically pulled around the corner, I know that coincidences like these never end up well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and kudos! I love you guys! Goodnight!


	4. POVs Gone Wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin's party and Eren does something he'll probably regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO FRIENDS
> 
> Okay so in this chapter there is a pairing, and yes that pairing is not a healthy one. Don't worry. It won't last long.
> 
> I feel iffy about this chapter. It wasn't great, but it was the best I could come up with. So, sorry if it sucks. I tried my best.
> 
> HERE IT IS

The scary man (Levi, I guess) doesn’t see me at first, giving me time to slink into the crowd. Armin might have noticed this, but he doesn’t say anything. I see the girl from before talking to Sasha, Connie clinging on to her from behind. It’s pretty funny, to see the manly guy with a buzzcut practically hanging off his chubby little girlfriend, but it’s also hella cute. I grin and make my way over to them, still tightly holding onto my beer.

“Eren!” Sasha’s face breaks into a smile and shouts over the music, “This is a friend of mine, Mina. Mina, this is Eren.”

“Hey, Eren!” Mina blushes. Oh no.

Sasha, luckily, knows I’m too gay for this, “I wanna talk to this guy for a minute, ‘kay, Mina?”

Mina nods, but she keeps staring at me, and it’s getting pretty uncomfortable. Sasha grabs my arm and pulls me towards the wall, dragging Connie behind her.

“So, how do you like the party?” Sasha laughs and takes a drink of her own alcohol.

I follow her example, “Rad. The music kinda sucks, though.”

“Really?” She shouts, “I like it!”

Connie groans and slowly starts to fall off her back, “Sounds like my boyfriend got a bit too drunk a bit too fast. I’m gonna put him to sleep in his usual room. Don’t talk to Mina, she has a huge crush on you!” And with that Sasha was off. I understood, though. She took on the responsibility of taking care of sleepy-drunk Connie when she decided to date the guy. Sucks to be her, but they love each other, so I guess it’s pretty cute. I shrug to myself and chug down the rest of my beer.

Out of the corner of my eye I spot Levi, leaning up against the wall. I immediately shoot my head the opposite direction, but I can’t get over the feeling that he was watching me.

______________

“Levi, do you mind handing me a beer?”

I scowl at Erwin. He doesn’t even look at me as he buries his face into his bratty boyfriend’s neck. How gross.

“Get it yourself, old man.” I retort

Erwin sighs, “Please? Armin doesn’t want to move.”

Bowlcut’s face goes bright red, “No, no, I can move. Sorry, I just zoned out-”

“Shut up.” I toss Erwin a bottle and he catches it, despite being half-drunk already.

“Thank you.” He sets the beer down to allow it to settle. I lean back again and survey the crowd.

It doesn’t seem like anyone else regrets going to this lame ass party. Some people have already passed out, but most are on their feet and dancing, or else trying. The “dancing” ranges from mild to borderline inappropriate. I wonder what it’s like to be able to just let loose and be idiotic. Sounds like a life of regret and embarrassment.  

There’s one person who catches my eye. There’s a guy standing near the wall across the room. I can’t tell if he’s just drunk or shares a similar opinion about parties, but he’s not talking to anyone, or dancing, or doing anything really. He just drinks his beer, in a seemingly fruitless effort to get drunk. But he doesn’t give up, downing the rest of the bottle before putting it the windowsill. He looks young, probably in college, but he doesn’t seem annoying like the others. He just seems lost. And for some reason, he seems frustratingly familiar. And there’s something endearing about the way he seems to be in his own little world, how he’ll chuckle to himself or shrug off a thought. It makes me what to see what’s going on in his head for him to be a perfectly content sober college boy at party.

He runs a hand through his messy brown hair, and turns his head for a minute. Maybe he sees someone he’s been trying to avoid, because he instantly whips his head back. Who is he trying to hide from. An ex girlfriend? Probably. It’s a shame. He looks pretty cute. I turn to ask Erwin where the bathroom is, but I honestly just need to get out of this crowd.

________________

Armin stops me after my third beer. Rude.

But I guess it’s for the best or whatever. Basically everyone is either drunk or out cold, which means that basically everyone wants to make stupid decisions. Which means games.

Sasha stands on the dining room table and announces that truth or dare is indeed happening and happening right now and that everyone has to meet in the front room immediately. I groan, but comply, because who doesn’t like truth or dare? Party poopers. Party poopers don’t like truth or dare.

Everyone who’s not asleep sits in an awkward circle in front of the door. Sasha grins at me in a way that sorta makes me regret participating in this.

“Right, I’m going first and I call on Eren. Eren, truth or dare?”

“Dare.” I’m gonna need another beer.

“I dare you to kiss Armin.” Of course she does. She’s ‘shipped’ us since I’ve introduced the two, and even more when I told her I was gay. Of fucking course she wants me to kiss him.

My eyes meet Erwin’s, but he just smiles and shrugs. I bet he want to see me, a straight boy, kiss another guy. Well jokes on him, I’ve actually kissed Armin before.

Armin stares at me nervously. He is always looking out for me, I guess. He knows I want to keep my homo a secret, but who cares to be honest. A lot of people in this circle already know, and a few of them aren’t even trying to keep it a secret. Across the circle, Jean’s practically crying with laughter, the little shit. Marco smiles apologetically for his best friend’s behavior. I’ve seen that smile too many times from too many people, people who get close to Jean Kirstein. People like me.

I open my mouth to say something, but I’m cut off by the feeling of Armin’s lips against mine. He lets go and smiles at me before going back to his seat. Thank you Armin. You just saved my ass.

Jean’s laughing stopped, but he still smiles at me smugly. I try to glare back at him but I can’t. It shouldn’t still hurt every time we make eye contact. I should be over this by now, but god knows that’s never gonna happen.

“So, Eren,” Sasha says, “Ask someone.”

I sigh, “I came out to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.”

Armin groans and rests his head on Erwin’s shoulder, who’s pretty confused with Armin’s frustration. I laugh, “Okay, okay. Erwin. Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

Thank you, “Are the rumors about you true?”

Armin’s eyes shoot open. Yeah, might have not been the best question to ask when Armin’s in the room, but it’ll have to work.

Erwin yawns, “What rumors?”

This time it’s Annie who speaks up, “The rumors that you’ve never held a relationship for more than twelve months.”

His face fell. Armin sits up and searches for his boyfriend’s eyes, but Erwin doesn’t give them to him. I know he would never tell Armin if they were true.

Erwin bites his lips and looks behind him. He’s looking for someone. Maybe Hanji and Levi. Maybe they’re the only ones he’s confirmed it to.

“Yes, that’s true.”

Armin looks to the ground. He doesn’t handle information like this very well.

“However, I do intend to prove that rumor wrong in the future.” Bullshit. That’s bullshit. Armin’s just another one of his toys and he knows it.

When no one says anything, he calls, “Levi, truth or dare?”

Everyone moves their attention upstairs, where Levi leans against the bannister. I don’t know why I didn’t notice him before.

“I’m not playing your stupid ass game, Erwin.” Is it just me or does he put a bit too much emphasis on Erwin’s name.  

“Aww come on! I made you coffee this morning, that has to mean something.”

Levi rolls his eyes, “Fine. Dare.”

Sasha raises her hand eagerly, and Erwin calls on her.

“I dare you to take part in Spin the Bottle, which were playing right now.” She points at Jean, “Jean! We’re using your bottle.” He scowls and tosses it to her. She barely catches it squealing when it hits her lap.

Another game where I’ll almost reveal my homosexuality. Gr-nine. Most people leave the circle but Sasha grabs my arm to keep me seated. Gosh, thanks.

Sasha, Erwin, Armin, Marco, Jean, Annie, Mina, Ymir, Christa, and of course Levi are in the circle now. Please, oh gods of gay, please don’t make me kiss any more boys today. Haha that rhymes.

Ymir (oh look, a bitch) starts this game, twisting her fingers around the bottle before letting it rip. It comes to a slow stop on Mina, who blushes furiously. Yeah, Mina? How does it feel to go against your sexuality? How does it feel? to be fair, though, everyone so far just assumes that she’s straight so it’s not like she has anything to hide when she pecks Ymir quickly on the side of her mouth. Ymir of course, being the asshole that she is, leans into her kiss. Panicking, Mina falls back and Ymir goes back to her seat, shaking with laughter. Christa sighs, and I can’t blame her. Ymir’s almost as embarrassing as Jean with twice the untrustworthiness. At least with Jean he’s not afraid to say the truth. Ymir hides her secrets under lock and key, only ever telling her girlfriend what she hides from everyone else. I bet she hides things from her too. That sounds like a very Ymir-y thing to do.

Next it’s Mina’s time to spin. She glances at me with a smile, the blush not leaving her face since she had to kiss Ymir. I pretend I don’t see her, because what am I supposed to respond with in this situation?

The bottle end up landing on Armin, who leans across the circle to kiss her quickly before falling back into his seat. It’s surprisingly not awkward, because any kiss from Armin feels way too innocent and platonic to be uncomfortable. Must be a relief after Ymir.

While Armin takes his turn, landing on Jean who I’m trying not to care about right now, I take the time to look at Levi when he’s not watching. There’s really no denying it. He’s the guy who I met before in the park. Lets just pray to those gay gods up there that he doesn’t remember me.

“So, which one of you will be lucky enough to kiss me?” Jean definitely makes it heard that it’s his turn now.

“Aww Jean, I’m sorry your mom isn’t playing this round, since she’s the only one who’d ever really want to kiss that pretty little head of yours.” Have I mentioned that I love Sasha? I love Sasha.

Ymir cackles beside her, only stopping to breathe and say, “She got held up at the stables.”

“Shut up.” Jean scowls, leaning a bit into Marco. Marco smiles down at him. He’s got more patience than Christa. I’m pretty sure he’s the only one besides Armin who gives a shit about Jean.

“Spin already, I’m bored.” Annie fell back onto the carpet.

“Okay, okay.” What if he lands on a guy. That would be hilarious, Mr. ‘If I Were Gay It Would Hurt My Reputation’. Gay gods, grant me this.

He prepares to spin his bottle and I flash Sasha a grin before he lets it fly, then focusing my attention on the spinning bottle. It starts off pretty fast, spinning around until it comes to a slow stop… right in front of…

Fuck.

In front of me.

Honestly, screw you gay gods. This is just low.

I stare at the bottle for a bit, like if I just will it to move a bit to the left it will, but it doesn’t budge.

Sasha puts a hand on my back, leaning in to whisper, “Just get it over with. The sooner it’s one, the sooner you can forget about it.”

I nod, but I can feel my throat getting tight at the thought of even getting close to him. But kissing him- I know that’s just gonna make me miss him more. I already miss him enough.

“So?” I shoot a quick look at Jean. He sounds like he doesn’t care, but he’s biting his lip, a definite sign that he’s nervous.

Does he miss me too? No. No, he hurt me too much for too long just to regret it. He just doesn’t want to kiss another guy.

I don’t want to kiss him.

But before I have a chance to do whatever I was planning on doing (probably running away, he crawls over and plants a kiss on my lips. And god help me, it felt good. Really good.

He pulls away slowly, leaning back into his seat, and even when he seems ready to move on I just can’t take my eyes off him.

Everyone’s eyes are on us. They seem surprised. I am too.

Erwin clears his throat, dragging the attention on him, “Okay, it’s getting late. I think we should all go to bed before Armin falls asleep.” Armin opens his eyes and opens his mouth to say something, but he cuts him off, “No, it’s okay Armin. We all need to sleep.”

Ymir whines, “But I wanted to see shortie here get some lip action.” Same.

Erwin smirks, “Alright, lets give the turn to Levi then.”

Levi groans but he picks up the bottle and half-heartedly spins it. Even Armin sits up to see who it lands on, but I don’t think he’s happy with the result.

Erwin. It lands on Erwin Smith. Who knows, he could have dated this guy at some point. This wasn’t going to happen.

It seems Levi agrees, because he stands up and walks to the door, “I’m sleeping in the car.”

Sasha and Ymir groan with frustration, but everyone else lets him go. He must have had a rough night. I have too.

We all end up standing up and finding a spot in the first floor to sleep on. I tell Armin that I want to sleep upstairs. He understands. Well, of course he does. He’s Armin.

I drag myself up the stairs, hella exhausted from the day. I know that dad’s gonna throw a freak tomorrow, but I might as well sleep until then.

I creep into his bedroom and quickly check the room for stray partiers before hiding under Armin’s covers. They’re warm and comfortable, heavy too. I wish I had blankets like these at home.

Suddenly I hear a creak at the door. I had left that open, hadn’t I. I open my eyes just enough to see my visitor.

“Eren.”

Oh.

“Eren?”

I smile softly, and throw the covers off of me, sitting up, “Yeah?”

“You son of a bitch.” The figure at the door starts walking towards me and I stand but my legs are wobbly because there is no way this is actually happening right now but since it’s a dream I might as well enjoy it. He meets me in the middle of the bedroom but continues walking, pushing my back against the wall. Our lips meet and I can feel the passion behind them, the need for me and only me. He holds my waist and pulls me closer to him, or hips bumping together and holy fuck is it hot. I wrap on of my legs around him and he responds with another jerk of my waist towards him and I just need to be closer and closer to him because oh I have missed this.

“Jean.” I moan against his lips. He smirks and lets go, stepping back a little.

Oh no you don’t, “I’m not over with you yet.” I push him down onto the bed and pull off his shirt.

“I hate you-” My lips meet his before he has time to finish and he melts into my kiss, tugging me on top of him

You could say that we won’t get a lot of sleep tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha whoops got a little NSFW there.
> 
> So I stopped writing Keep Dreaming because it was worse than this one and I wasn't really feeling it, so I'll be putting all my time and energy into this one. I just got out of school for the summer so I'll be updating a lot more (yay).
> 
> Please comment guys. So far I've gotten no comments on this and I just want to know what I can do to do better, or even what I'm doing that's working for me here.
> 
> I love you guys!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Party comes to an end and Eren gets pissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter is pretty good. It's been written on three different days so who knows really.  
> Sorry if it's a bit late. I'm moving in two weeks so theres a lot to do, but 'm really trying to update more. Anyway, enjoy!

I wake up to the feeling of hot breath against my neck. Someone’s arms are around me and it feels warm, comfortable. It just feels right. And I guess I might be feeling perfect, if it wasn’t for this headache.

I groan and pull the person closer to me, breathing in the smell of their hair. I like this smell. It’s nice. It reminds me of-

Jean?

I run a hand over the back of his head, feeling where the soft hair on top of his head meets his rough undercut. Thats him. I’m cuddling with my ex boyfriend. Yep.

Fuck.

I mean, this is great and all, but I know it’s not going to end well. He’s gonna make it my fault, embarrass me again, shame me. He’s just gonna break my heart again, the one that’s just starting to piece itself back together again.

But he seems so peaceful in my arms. Like he honestly believes he belongs there. Why would he be here if he doesn’t?

Alcohol- No. No he must want to be here.

In other news I need to take piss. But like there’s this guy on wrapped around me thats preventing me from taking that piss, so somehow I have to get around this.

I kiss him on the top of his head and wiggle my way out, almost falling off the bed and on Armin’s dirty clothes. Smooth, Eren.

The door’s closed. Was it like that the night before? Doesn’t sound like me to close the door, or Jean for that matter. Especially if we were drunk.

No use worrying about it now. I have to pee. Like really badly. Plus, the sooner I get done with my business the sooner I can go downstairs and take an Ibuprofen or something.

I slowly turn to door knob, pleading that the door won’t creak. Luckily it doesn’t. Thanks, friend.

I tiptoe/run across the floorboards to the bathroom across the hall. Why is this hall so long. Why does it have to torture me like this. What an ass.

Eventually I do make it to the bathroom, and thank god I do. After I finish up the business I had there, I splash some cold water over my face and check to make sure I look satisfactory in the mirror.

I look okay. My hair is a wild mess, but I guess it looks sorta hot. My shirt is still semi-soaked with sweat from what I’m guessing was a wild night with Jean, but it looks fine. I’ll just tell them that Armin’s room was hot or whatever. They won’t care enough to think otherwise.

Luckily I have pants. Pants are good. Pants are great, actually.

I open the door to join the hangover party downstairs when I nearly knock into a very sleepy Connie. I start to fall backwards, barely catching myself and pulling myself up again with help from Armin’s sink.

“Jesus, bro. Stop being so overdramatic.” He rubs his eyes and pushes past me to get inside, “I have to take a shower.”

Right, point taken. I leave now. Connie chuckles as a struggle to maintain balance. It’s not my fault that I just woke up. I’m tired. No need to laugh.

I nearly reach the bannister when I’m being yanked by the arm, into a room I’m guessing is a guest room? I don’t know anymore. Armin holds me by both of my shoulders, looking pretty freaked out.

“What the hell man?” I try to shake him off but he holds a surprisingly strong grip on me.

“Okay, Eren. We need to talk. Immediately.”

Shit. He seems pretty freaked out. I blink away my clouded vision and where are my glasses again? Probably in Armin’s room. I swear if Jean broke my glasses-

“Eren! Snap out of it. Lets go sit down.” He leads me to the bed and we both sit, which helps settle my spinning head.

“Alright, Armin, what’s up?”

He swallows, practically glaring at his lap, “So, um, I guess…” He looks up at me, “Are you together with Jean again.”

Oh. He must have saw us. So he closed the door.

I don’t really know what to say. I haven’t talked to Jean, but I’m pretty sure that he’ll try to deny the whole thing ever happened.

“No,” I sigh, “I’m not.”

Armin furrowed his eyebrows, “Then why were you two-”

“Armin. We were drunk. People do stupid things when they’re drunk.”

“I know that. It’s just- are you sure you don’t still have feelings for him? Your break up was pretty bad, and I know that you’re not always the best at letting go.”

“I know I’m not.”

He doesn’t say anything. He just wraps an arm around me, pulling me into an awkward hug. And awkward as it is, I need it. So I let him hug me, I let him bury his face into my shoulder, I let him just convince me that everything’s alright. Armin’s great with words, but he’s even better at communicating through his actions. He’s telling me that it’s okay. He’s telling me that he knows I’m not telling the truth but that it doesn’t matter. He’s just worried.

“Hey, Armin.” He nods, but doesn’t break away from the hug, “I don’t know what I did with Jean last night. I don’t know if we even did anything besides kiss. But I guess…” Fuck these emotions, “I guess that I miss him. I miss being able to trust him not to say anything. Cause hell, if people don’t already know, they will once he wakes up.”

“Yeah.” Armin mumbles into my shoulder. He sits up again, unfortunately, but he keeps an arm around me, “Are your glasses in there? I could go get them.”

“No, I will.” Even saying this is hella terrifying, but I guess it’s only right.

Armin smiles, “You’re strong, you know?”

“Okay, okay,” I laugh, standing up, “I’ll leave. Go make out with your boyfriend or whatever. Oh! And save me an Ibuprofen. I need only v badly.”

“Glasses, Eren.”

“Fine!” I hurry down the hallway, checking to make sure no one’s around before sliding into Armin’s room. Jean’s still fast asleep, thank god. But he has to be pretty cold. It doesn’t look like we slept under covers last night and he’s not wearing a shirt, not even mentioning the weather outside. I mean, it wouldn’t be too awful just to cover him up, would it?

I quickly get a blanket out of Armin’s closet and drape it over him, sitting down just to make sure he’s doing alright or something. He seems so peaceful. So relaxed. I haven’t seen him like this for a while.

And I guess, if it’s gonna be my last chance to do it, I lean over and kiss him gently, just soaking in the feeling of his lips against mine. I pull away reluctantly, moving on to mission I came here for, but oh my god, I am definitely gonna miss that.

At least I know this time that that was my last kiss with him. At least this time I’m prepared for what’s going to happen.

I find my glasses on the floor on the far side of the room, opposite the door. We must have been kissing against the wall or something.

I hurry out of the room, leaving Jean to do whatever he wants. I can’t stay in there any longer. Nothing good would come from it. I clean my glasses with my shirt. It’s a little smudged but not as bad. At least I can see Armin clearly at the bottom of the stairs, where he offers me a glass of water and two pills. Honestly, I don’t deserve a friend like him.

“Armin, you are the actual best.”

He grins at me, and takes my glass when I’m finished chugging it. I follow him to the kitchen where everyone has already started their breakfasts. Apparently, Sasha has made bacon, bless the woman, and has even agreed to share it with everyone else.

I jump up onto the counter next to her, patiently awaiting my share.

“Psst, Eren.” She passes her plate to me, which still has two strips of bacon left on it, “I saved you some.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you’re awesome.”

“Eren!” Connie shouts from the doorway, “Stop flirting with my girlfriend, bro!”

“Will do. Don’t want to go up against you.” Erwin snorts from the barstool he’s sharing with Armin. Glad he’s still here. The question is: “Hey, is that guy Levi still here?”

“Yeah, he’s probably disinfecting my car. Hanji’s probably trying to convince him not to bleach the seats,” He chuckles. A joke, I’m guessing, he only understands.

Suddenly the sound of the front door being slammed closed echoes throughout the house.

“Nope, there he is. Levi! Is Hanji with you?”

He walks into the kitchen with a scowl, “No, they're still sleeping. I thought I’d let them sleep, you know. Being around you is exhausting enough for me, I can’t begin to imagine how it’s like for Hanji.”

Erwin’s grin falters, “Yeah, I’m sure it’s horrible.”

They glare at each other from across the kitchen. There’s definitely some tension there.

I clear my throat, bringing the attention on me, “I should head home. My dad’s gonna throw a fit.”

“Do you need a ride home? It’s cold out there.” Armin, you fucking angel.

“No, thanks though.”

Ymir and Annie giggle from the corner of the kitchen. Before Armin can stop me, I’m shouting back at the, “What are you laughing about?”

“Eren, come on-”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Ymir grins, “Just, would you rather Jean drive ya? I’m guessing you guys are pretty close.”

Oh. Oh no. Oh, nope, I do not like this one bit.

“Wh-What are you going on about you fucking idiots. I bet you don’t even know what you’re fucking talking about! Just trying to find some pathetic excuse to make my life a living fucking hell, aren’t you.” Armin grabs my wrist and starts to pull me back, but I’m not done, “Fuck you, haven’t you done enough. Leave me the fuck alone, or is that impossible? Are you such idiots that you can’t find fun in any way besides making other people feel like shit, you, you-”

“Eren. Eren look at me,” Armin grabs my shoulder and tugs at it to make me face him, but I don’t lose eye contact with Ymir, “Eren, you have to go. They’re just tired, okay. You are too. Lets get you home.”

“No, she needs to know, she needs to pay-”

“Eren, you made it through last night without a fight. Now you’re in even more control of yourself. Just let it go.”

I bite my lip. I guess I could let it go, but I don’t want to. I want to show Ymir and Annie how they make me feel. They need to know. Then they’ll stop.

I relax my muscles just long enough for Armin to let go of me, but the minute his arms drop to his sides, I lung at them, managing to punch Ymir in the face. Annie stands up, prepared to flip me over but I dodge her, my glasses falling off my nose. I’m used to her moves. She’s the one who taught me how to fight, after all. Ymir gets over the initial shock of my punch and lunges blindly at me. Bad move. I step to the side, barely missing her punch, and I take the opportunity to sock her in the stomach. She chokes and stumbles back, colliding with the wall. Annie tries to grab me from behind but I turn around just in time. My knee collides with her stomach and she sinks to the floor. She starts to stand up again and I pull my leg back to kick her when I feel someone grab me from behind, pulling me back. No, I was almost done. I almost showed them. I almost won.

I start to kick wildly and without a specific target. I just need to finish this. Whoever’s tugging me back holds my arms down so I can’t hit them. Why? Why aren’t they letting me be happy?

Annie and Ymir are on the floor but I can’t see them clearly enough to know if they passed out or not. I wiggle around some more, kicking back to hit them with my heel, but it doesn’t work.

“Just… let… me go....” I cough.

“Calm the fuck down, you brat. I’m helping you out here.” It’s Levi.

I don’t know why, but at the sound of his voice I feel… calmer? I mean, I’m exhausted, but his voice seems to bring me back to reality. I have done a lot already, haven’t I?

“Well, as long as they… know what’s what…” I try to catch my breath, letting my body go limp. He holds me up. I guess he’s pretty strong.

“Bro, are you okay?” Connie. He kneels down to look me in the eye. Right. Everyone’s here.

I cough, “Oh, no, god. Sorry, I don’t know-”

“Save it for later.” Levi again, “And I’m not going to drag you to the car. You can stand by yourself.” Yep, that’s the guy who tackled me because I accidently hit him with a ball.

I struggle to regain my balance, Armin running over to take me from Levi and help me himself. I guess he managed to grab my glasses because he sticks them on the bridge of my nose for me. Levi reaches into his pocket and grabs a set of keys, “I’m taking the brat home, no questions asked. He’ll just end up doing something even stupider if he goes out there alone.”

Armin stares at him in disbelief, but nods. I don’t blame him. He’s used to being the one being beat up, not a bystander.

I guess I can stand okay, but my head throbs badly, not really from the hangover as much as from the action that just happened. Levi walks with me, though, a tight grip on my arm as he leads me out the door.

_But wait he isn’t dead, Shia surprise! There’s a gun to your head and death in his eyes._ God I love that song. I bought it on iTunes and everything. Who can really resist Rob Cantor.

“What the fuck was that?” Wait, shit. I sung that outloud didn’t I. No, please gay gods. Not in front of hottie here. I just embarrassed myself forever. Time to jump out the window.

“Umm, nothing?” Yeah, just play it off like it was his imagination. Levi scoffs but keeps his eyes on the road, turning right off of Legion Road. I just have to deal with four more blocks.

“Your name is Eren, huh?” Before I can answer he continues to say, “Where do I know you, Eren?”

Oh, so he really doesn’t know, and I don’t really want to tell him. If I tell him he’ll probably drop me off here and I’ll have to walk the rest of the way home, which suddenly doesn’t sound too appealing.

“I don’t know, where do you know me before?” That may have come off more sarcastic as I wanted it to, but hey, it’s Levi. He might like me better for it.

He rolls his eyes, so maybe not, “Yes. Where the hell would I have met a meme-loving freak of a college kid who lives with his parents, obviously has anger issues, and pisses his pants every time someone jokes about the possibility of him being gay. Oh wait, thats this whole god damn town. But I know I’ve met you before, so cut the crap will you?”

I can’t help but laugh. He just summed up Jean’s entire personality, which I guess isn’t too far from mine. Except for the whole college kid thing. And the homo thing.

“Okay, so don’t get all pissy again, but I might have accidently thrown a ball at you yesterday?”

Levi stopped the car. Luckily it wasn’t a busy street, but I doubt that would have changed the situation a lot.

“So.” Fuck, his voice was low and gravelly. Please penis. Stay chill. This guy is about to kill us. “You were the fucker who made my shitty night worse.”

Oh.

I gulped, keeping my head down. I’m pretty sure if I looked up his eyes would shoot bullets into my head, “Yeah, maybe, possibly, yes?”

It was silent in the car. Slowly, Levi started up the car again, and started driving.

“Where do I turn.” Oh, oh! He’s not going to stab me in the gut! Good, good! “I swear I will drive you right down to the Underground if you don’t-”

“Right on Titan Street, a block down.” He doesn’t respond, just drives a bit faster. He pulls up just before we reach my house. My dad’s still parked in the driveway. He’s probably waiting for me.

“If I see a spot in this car once you get I swear I will punch you so hard you’ll forget where your house is.” Okay, point taken. I cautiously slide out of his really nice car and brush off the seat behind me. There’s no dirt on it but hey, better safe than sorry. I like some of my memories.

He doesn’t say goodbye or anything, just zooms off back to who knows what. Wait, did I leave anything there. Wait… my coat. Shit. Armin better have it.

My dad doesn’t meet me at the door, thank god. I peer in the front windows. They would have finished breakfast already. Mom even washed dishes.

I don’t see anyone in the house. Mikasa’s at school (I guess she drove herself this morning, sorry ‘Kasa), but mom and dad are nowhere to be seen.

The door’s slightly open and I nudge it slowly. It creaks as I worm my way through.

The house is silent and cold. There’s no soft hum of the heater, no soft ticking from a clock I can’t see. There’s just dull silence. I creep closer to the stairs, and for a second I hear voices. They’re hushed, but I can barely pick up the pitch of my mother, and then my father. I take another step forward and the floorboard creaks from underneath me. The whispers stop. Then, the sound of the ceiling groaning from what I’m guessing is my dad’s weight. I’m tempted to turn back around and run back to Armin’s house, but I guess there’s no running away right now. My dad’s gonna yell at me at some point. Might as well get it over with now.

But when I hear him running down the stairs the thought of running starts getting REALLY appealing and I feel like if he doesn’t hurry up my legs are going to move on their own. But maybe wishing for him to hurry up wasn’t the best call, ‘cause here he is with a scowl and his fists clenched, staring down at me.

“Where the fuck were you last night.” I wince at the tone of his voice. It hits my chest like a dagger.

“I went over to Armin’s.” My voice comes out weaker than I expected it to.

“And not a call? Not a note? Why did you stay the night?”

“I’m 20…”

“What did you just say to me?” His nostrils flare. I can always blame my temper on my dad.

I take a deep breath, “I’m 20, dad. I went to a party with some friends. I slept over… with someone. I’m an adult now.”

He laughs, but I really really don’t think I like where it was going, “Oh, really now? You’re telling me you slept with a girl?”

Not exactly, “Umm, yeah? Is it that surprising.” But to be honest, I wouldn’t believe it. But nevertheless he unclenches his fists and his sneer morphs into a look of slight humor and annoyance.

“So, what’s her name.”

Fuck, please work, “Sasha?”

He chuckles and punches me not-so-lightly on the shoulders, “Well, son? Say it loud and proud!” _Son._

“Sasha. Her name’s Sasha Braus.” Connie will kill me.

“Oh, really, she’s from the Braus family?” He stepped back, letting go a little of the anger he had before, “They’re mountain people, eh? Not from a great family, but good people. I approve.”

I sigh, letting out all the anxiety I pent up in my chest. He responded pretty well. Better than usual.

I guess the news of me having a girlfriend really makes his day, doesn’t it.

_Son._

I guess it’s not right to use Sasha like that, but it was for the best? I mean, isn’t it better this way?

Maybe not. Maybe it’s just my fear of him talking but I don’t really regret using her. And he seemed so proud. Like I somehow impressed him a little. Like it might all turn around and maybe, just maybe, we can have a normal father-son relationship again. He doesn’t have to find out I’m gay. I’ll date girls, it’s not really that bad is it? It can’t be.

 _Son._ He called me his son. He hasn’t done that since I was thirteen.

Maybe, just maybe, I can turn this life around. Maybe if I just take back that I’m gay I’ll get all my friends back. Ymir, Annie, Jean, Reiner, and Bertoldt. Maybe I can be happy again, the way I was in 7th grade.

I just want to be happy again. Not the happy I am when I’m goofing off with Mikasa or playing Mario Kart with Armin. I mean real, honest to god, loving my life happy.

But really, I know it won’t ever go back to the way things were. Maybe I just have to suck it up and deal with the consequences of this goddamn thing I was born with.

All I know is that I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not.

I don’t do much for the rest of the day. Last night pretty much exhausted me, and job hunting just really doesn’t seem fun today. So I lay around and scroll through tumblr, chuckling at each cat video and vine I find. Mikasa comes in and checks in on me when she gets home. I’m pretty sure she’s expecting me to give her a summary of the party, but I wave her off, claiming to be sick or whatever. She doesn’t bother me further, but I make a mental promise to tell her about it later. After all, I did almost get laid.

By the time Armin calls me it’s midnight. Why is he up at midnight and not being the responsible student he is and going to sleep early for his six o’clock class tomorrow? I try not to think about it.

“Eren?” He’s out of breath, oh hell no.

“Armin gosh darn it, where are you honey? I expected you home hours ago.”

He laughs, “Sorry, my meeting ran late.”

“Okay, I’ll excuse just this once. But you missed the meatloaf I made! You’ll have to take the leftovers for lunch tomorrow.”

“Okay, haha, but Eren, guess what.”

News, yay, “Yeah?”

“So, you know how Erwin works at Heichou right?”

Right, so Armin was referring to that little coffee shop like a block away from Cream and Sugar. Okay, “Yeah?”

“So, he’s willing to hire you!” Wait what, “Yeah, it took some convincing, but I convinced him you’ll be great for the job!”

Seriously? Holy fucking shitcicles, I don’t even care that I have no idea how to make coffee, it’s a job! “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes-”

“Eren?” I don’t care.

“-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.”

I heard Erwin’s laugh from the other line, “I think you broke him.”

Hell yeah, he broke me with his perfection, “Armin, I literally love you so much, you don’t even know.”

Armin laughed, “You start in two days. Don’t lose this job, okay? I’m not going to sleep with someone else just so you can get a job.” I heard a little ‘hey!’ from Armin’s side of the line.

“Okay, nope, won’t mess up, sleep now, goodnight Armin.”

“Goodnight, Eren. Sleep well.”

I hung up and tossed my phone onto my bedside table, setting down my glasses next to it. Maybe this new job will do something for me. Maybe I’ll meet some people to add to the list of those who give a shit about me.

I pull my covers over me and snuggle close to my pillow, waiting for sleep to take me, which doesn’t take long. And soon, I'm pulled into fantastical dream of things I won’t remember in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment. It's 1:00 in the morning and I understand my writing isn't the best but I would like it to be.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren makes bad puns out of Armin's name and has another awkward encounter with his angry short acquaintance

“Eren!” Sasha? She tackles me from behind, wrapping her legs around my chest and her arms around my neck. Okay-okay! Alright! She’s a bit heavy! I stumble back, nearly hitting her against the wall. She slips off, frowning slightly, and offers me her hand. I look at it for a few seconds before she says, “Come on, you’re gay as heck.”

But people. She doesn’t seem to understand that and hops onto the bench.

“ _Oh yeah I'll tell you something_

_I think you'll understand_

_When I say that something_

_I wanna hold your hand!_ ”

“Sasha, please stop.” A mother pushing a stroller walked by us and I can practically feel the judgemental vibes radiating off of her. Sasha doesn’t.

“ _I wanna hold your hand_

_I wanna hold your hand_

_Oh please say to me_

_You'll let me be your man_

_And please say to me_

_You'll let me hold your hand!_ ”

I groan, “Fine, I’ll let you hold my hand…”

She grins and hops down from the bench, dramatically thrusting her hand towards me. I take it and she immediately tightens her grip. She better not-

And she’s off, running through the park and dragging me behind her. I didn’t sign up for this. I just wanted to take a quick walk down to Shiganshina Park and maybe get some coffee at Cream and Sugar, but I did not want this. But I guess I should talk to her. I should tell her about Dad.

Finally she stops in front of Heichou. Hey, now I can check out the place where I’ll be working then too. Thanks Sasha.

I’m hit with the smell of coffee the minute we step inside. Glasses clink and chatter fills the room, but not a lot of it. I guess it’s a pretty slow day.

Erwin stands behind the register, cheerfully talking to a customer. I have to say, that man has strength. I don’t think I’ll be able to get up at six in the morning to come down here, and lets hope I never have to.

Sasha continues to pull me towards the counter, impatient for some coffee and breakfast that I guess she expects me to pay for. She always does this. But nevertheless I pull out my wallet and fish out some dollars. I squint at the menu on the chalkboard. That can’t be right. Can it?

“You’re gonna need more than that.” Sasha whispers in my ear. I turn my head to look at her. She smiles weakly, “It’s expensive, I know. But please?You have never tasted a cup of coffee this good.

“Can we share?” Sasha groans, and leans back on her heels, “Hey, come on Sasha. Sharing is caring.”

“You know what’s also caring? Buying your best friend food.” She’s not my best friend but hey, it’s not like I’m not going to point it out to her.

“I am buying you food!” I whisper/yell. She puts her arms around my middle, “Okay, okay. Cinnamon latte?” She nods into my shoulder and I pull out the cost: 4.55$. I could get three coffees and a scone for this price at Cream and Sugar. Ridiculous.

Erwin turns to us with his big fake smile and sparkling eyes, “Hey, Eren! Hey, Sasha! Surprised to see you here. What can I do for you.”

“One medium cinnamon latte.” I grumble, putting an arm around Sasha’s shoulder.

Erwin’s eyes lower as he watches us, “So are you guys together?” Are you cheating on Connie?

“Nope!” Sasha grins, “This boy here is a 100% pure homo-”

I cup a hand over her mouth. She really needs to think these things through, “No, she’s with Connie, who’s my best friend.” Sasha growls from underneath my hand, “We’re just pretty close. I don’t have a girlfriend right now.” I hand him a five dollar bill

Nice save, me.

“Oh.” Erwin smiles at me like he knows something I don’t, but he writes my name on a coffee cup all the same, “I’m truly sorry if this takes a moment. My fellow barista isn’t awake yet.” He shoots a glare up the stairs to our right.

Sasha pull my hand away from her mouth, “It’s okay! We’ll just sit down. Come on, Eren.” And she’s tugging me away again.

We find a table near the back of the cafe and Sasha immediately leaps into a story about her last date with Connie. It’s not really that interesting, but the bright smile on her face helps me ignore that. She’s a good friend, even if she’s can be a bit annoying sometimes.

She’s in the middle of telling me how Connie fell off her bunkbed when Erwin calls me up to get our coffee. He doesn’t give us our change. Armin doesn’t deserve him.

I slide Sasha the coffee first, which she takes a sip of besides the fact that it’ll probably burn her tongue. I guess she can do tough stuff for caffeine. I fall back into my chair beside her.

“Why the long face?” She pouts, taking another sip.

“Asshole didn’t give me my change…”

“Well, you can’t really blame him. This place doesn’t get as much love as Cream and Sugar.”

I snort, “Yeah, maybe it’s because they overcharge-”

“Ereeeen…” She falls face first onto the table, knocking over that 5 dollar coffee I just bought us, “You need to loosen up. Erwin and Armin are adorable together.”

I channel my anger into the coffee that’s spreading across the floor. There goes my ten dollars.

“Why are you so grumpy today.” She leans to the side so she can look up at me

“I’m grumpy everyday.”

“Yeah but not this grumpy. I don’t think I’ve heard a tumblr reference out of you since yesterday.”

Right, yesterday. When I when I beat up Ymir and Annie. When I lied and said I had a girlfriend. Yesterday.

“Can I talk to you about something?”

Hearing me sound so anxious brought Sasha into concerned-friend-mode. She sat up, ignoring the coffee that was slowly hitting the bottom of her shoes. “Yeah?”

“I umm,” This isn’t really hard to tell, “I lied to my dad the other day.”

“Mm-hmm?”

“I told him I was dating you.”

Sasha grinned, “Covering up for doing the do with Jean, eh?” She wiggled her eyebrows.

Well, she doesn’t care. She just wants to ask me about Jea- wait what? “How do you know about that?”

“So you did sleep with him!” Crap.

“Swiggity swong, you’re wrong.”

“You just confirmed it!” I did. Again, crap.

“If you tell anyone, I’ll have to kill you.”

“I won’t tell.” She frowned down at the coffee, “I will ask for another one of those.”

“No! That’s your fault!”

“But I’m almost as thirsty as you are.”

“Okay, first of all, rude. Second of all, disrespectful.”

“Okay, okay.” She grinned, “But you do admit that you’re thirsty for a bit of that Jean.”

“Sasha!” She yelped and ran out of the cafe, leaving me to deal with the spilt coffee. I looked down sadly at the waste of money, “At least you burned her tongue.”

It didn’t reply.

After mopping up the mess Sasha left at Heichou, I didn’t have much time to walk around before Armin called, claiming that he was going down to Shiganshina to meet Erwin at his break time and wanted to hang out before then. Of course I accepted. No one can resist Armin Arlert.

I finally see him at the fountain at around 7. He smiles when he sees me, handing me a churro he must have gotten on his way before taking a bite of his own. He has an Urban Outfitters bag next to him. Not too sure where he got that, but I decide not to ask. He’ll end up telling me. So I grin and sit down next to him.

“Okay, Eren, I need your advice.” This is new. I take a bite of my churro and nod at him. He turns to the Urban Outfitters bag and pulls out two flower crowns, setting them down in my lap. One of them has little pink flowers on the band, while the other has small white flowers and faux green leaves, “Which one?”

“What?”

He smiles again, “Which one should I wear?”

Oh, “Ummm…”

He giggles and then grabs the white one, placing it on his head, “This one or…” He grabs the pink one and puts it on instead, “This one?”

Definitely the second. “Pink.”

“Alright, thanks!” He stuffs the white one into the bag again, looking up at me with his new flower crown.

“Don’t you mean, Arlight?” Hell yes.

He blinks, “Eren, that was horrible.”

“Way to crush my spirit.” I grumble

He laughs, as if this were a game, and turns back to the bag, “Well, if you’re gonna be like that, I won’t give you your present.”

Present? “Present?”

“Yeah.” He turns back to me with a new flower crown in his hand. This one has mostly leaves with a few pink roses, and might I say it was pretty gosh darn cute. He reaches up to put it on my head and pulls back, taking a moment to appreciate how it looked.

“Do I look adorable.”

“You look kinda cute.” He smiles, “It’ll work.”

“Why did you buy these anyway?” I play with the rose closest to the front of my head.

“I thought that if we were going to be two gay best friends hanging out on a freezing cold day, we were gonna look cute while doing it.” I murmur in agreement. There might not be any actual flowers alive right now, but fake ones look great all the same.

“Don’t you have to meet your boyfriend?” It comes out more bitter than I wanted it to, but Armin doesn’t seem to notice it.

“Not for another two hours.”

I skim the water with my fingertips, watching the ripples vibrate from them, “So, what do ya wanna do, Ar-man?”

He straightens (haha never) up a little, “Lets go shopping.”

“Shopping?”

“Shopping.”

“What for?”

Armin lets out a dramatic sigh, “Eren, there’s nothing in your wardrobe at least the last seven months.”

“Yeah, but Christmas.” He glares at me, “What?”

“Just let me buy you clothes. I don’t want you going to your first day wearing clothes like what you’re wearing,” I look down. I’m wearing grey pants and a bright orange sweater that I picked out this morning. Yeah the clothes might be a size too small, but they look cool... I think anyway.

“Fine.” I wrap my arms around my torso, “But don’t think you can just go around buying me things. Remember, this is my last day of freedom.”

“Yeah, yeah. Stop your complaining. The rest of us have jobs too.” To be honest I don’t see why people think Armin’s such a ball of sunshine. Sure he’s shy and cute when you first meet him, but once you get to know him his true identity is revealed: A rebellious sassmaster in a bowl cut. But I guess I love him for it.

I stand up and take Armin’s churro wrapper, running to throw both of them in the trash. He meets me at the park entrance and takes my hand in his. I chuckle, “People are gonna start thinking we’re together.”

He shrugs, “They already do.”

And that they did. We’ve already gotten countless comments from other people on our “relationship”. Most is positive, but it’s pretty funny to watch the negative ones too. Sometimes we even put on a show for them, either I pick him up bridal style we run away together or he’ll kiss me on the cheek and we’ll watch as they freak out. Either way, it doesn’t bother us, and most times gives us something to laugh about later.

His fingers intertwine with mine as we walk around the strip mall that borders Shiganshina Park. My flower crown nearly falls off as he pulls me towards the Urban Outfitters where I’m guessing he got the flower crowns before we met up.

It’s pretty cold inside despite it already being cold outside. Just looking around I know it’s not my style, but Armin seems determined to getting me some clothes here. Why not. I’m making us go to GAP after this anyway.

He drags me over to the men’s clothes and immediately finds a maroon leather jacket. I extend my arms and he puts it on me, fixing it in place. He turns it so I can see in the mirror.

“It looks a bit weird because you’re wearing a sweater underneath it, but it still looks good! I’ll find you a grey t-shirt and some skinny pants, you’ll look good.”

I grin, “Yeah, I look pretty hot with this on don’t I?”

Armin smiles and starts to take the jacket off of me, “Only because I picked it out for you.”

“You’re just jealous you don’t look this good.”

He throws his head back, “Oh my god, Eren.”

I chuckle and look around for other clothes. The graphic tees aren’t bad, but I feel like I’m missing something, some weird obscure hipster reference. This is why I have Armin, who’s fluent in that sorta thing.

He starts toward another rack, looking over the different shirts. I tap my foot impatiently, my eyes wandering over to the counter. A girl with short blond hair taps a pencil against her sketchbook staring off into space while a customer fishes through his back for money. She doesn’t seem annoyed as much as just tired. I don’t realize I’m staring before her eyes meet mine and I jolt.

Remember when that happened with Levi? I do too.

I should probably just forget about that man. He obviously hates me without remembering what happened the other night, and I can’t imagine what would happen if he does. But something about him… intrigues me? He seems so cold and distant, but then he does stuff like holds me back and drives me home. Why? Why does he care about what happens to me? And what’s up with him and Erwin? With that girl... Hanji or whatever?

My thoughts are interrupted when Armin calls me over to look at a shirt he picked out for me. It’s not really my style, but he says it’ll look good with my leather jacket so why not? I trust his sense of style over my own.

I convince Armin to just get me the jacket and shirt, much to his despair, and we move over the woman before at the counter. She gives us a professional smile and swipes the tag under the scanner, stuffing it in a bag before ringing up our order. It’s expensive, but I’ve learned from experience not to complain about that. Armin’s parents, again, are practically swimming in money.

We pick out a few pairs of jeans and some plain t-shirts at GAP next, clothes I’ll probably wear more than the ones from Urban Outfitters. We run back and forth to the dressing rooms and back shopping. Armin loves searching for clothes for me there all the same, and by the time we finally leave the store Armin has to go visit Erwin. We say our goodbyes and go our separate ways, me towards the parking lot and Armin towards Heichou.

I look up at the trees as I make my way to the car. A combination of yellow and orange rustles against each other in the chill wind and I wrap my arms around myself a little tighter. It’s beautiful, really. Tumblr-worthy. I reach down to pull my phone out of my pocket.

I reach further down my deep pant pockets.

Nothing.

“Shit.” I breathe. I must have left it at GAP when I tried on those pants. No, no, no, no,  no.

I spin around, breaking into a sprint back to where I said goodbye to Armin. The wind blows in the opposite direction, stinging my eyes until I’m forced to keep them closed. My foot hits the side of the sidewalk and a sharp pain shoots up my leg. I stumble back and try to regain my balance, but I really really hit that foot hard. If I don’t hurry someone will take it or it might get stepped on or dad might call me demanding me home and he’ll yell at me. I open my eyes but my vision is blurred. Why am I crying. This is a stupid thing to cry about.

My chest collides with something- or someone I guess from the chain of curses that follow. I fall forwards, onto whoever I just ran into. I look down to see a mess of raven hair that looks exactly like Levi’s.

When he turns his head up, his face looks exactly like Levi’s too.

So yeah, my best guess is that the little guy sprawled across me looking like he’s about to rip my organs from my body and burn them is the man himself. I swallow hard and pray that he doesn’t feel just how attracted I am to that look he’s giving me.

“Are you going to get off me or are you just going to cry again.” I push myself off of him and scramble to stand up.

“Sorry man, I’m in a hurry.” I start to run off but he grabs my arm, pulling himself onto his feet. I look at him wearily from the corner of my eyes. I don’t have time for his grumpy-pants attitude.

“Yeah, I am too. Didn’t stop you from getting in my way.”

I sigh, getting really tired of this, “Listen, I’m sorry, but I really need to go-”

“Look where you’re going. And hand me over five dollars, you spilled my coffee in your ‘hurry’.” I look down to see a coffee cup still rolling into place, coffee leaking from where the top popped off. On the side I can see little block letters spelling out ‘Heichou’. So he was from there.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a crinkly ten dollar bill, handing it over to him, “That’ll pay for the ride yesterday too.” He says nothing, but he pockets my money. He’s on his way again, walking across the parking lot like nothing had happened. I can’t help but watch him for a moment before he pulls out his car keys and turns back to me.

“Oh, and I would question if you’re really all that straight, Woody.”

Crap, he noticed. I feel my cheeks burn as I remember my reason for hurrying and start my run over to GAP. I run up to the dressing rooms and ask to look inside. My phone’s fine, thank god, but there’s a missed call from Mikasa. I decide to call her once I get home.

Nothing exciting happens on my way back to the car. It’s a miracle when I find my flower crown still lying on the ground where I fell. I kinda like it, makes me feel kawaii and all.

On the drive home I can’t help but think back to what he said.

It’s gonna be a lot harder to pretend to be straight if I can’t hide my feelings towards who I’m attracted to.

This will be even more difficult than I thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Sasha sings at the beginning is I Want To Hold Your Hand by The Beatles if you didn't already guess. I guess it's fitting for Paul McCartney's birthday (totally planned that, yep)  
> Please give comments! Not a lot happened in this chapter but I just really wanted to show a bit more of Armin and Eren's relationship. Next chapter's the first day of Eren's job at Heichou, so more will happen then.   
> Thank you for reading!


	7. BACKSTORY TIME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like the title says, it's time for Jean and Eren's backstory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this isn't a normal plot chapter. 
> 
> Notes before you start reading: THERE MIGHT BE SOME TRIGGERS. In this chapter there are a few homophobic slurs and a reference to rape. The rape part of it isn't much, just the idea, but if you are easily triggered by any of those two things you might wanna skip the chapter.
> 
> Also this is Jean and Eren's backstory and it gets a bit long. It's not the best writing I've done but yeah, have a blast.

It took less than a moment.

Just eye contact, a smile, a movement towards me.

And then the moment was gone. But what followed that less-than-a-moment was so much more. Yeah, it was filled with pain and regret, but in the end I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I learned a lot that year. I’m only who I am today because of what he did to me.

I guess I should start at the beginning.

High school was always pretty hard for me. Sure, I had more friends than I do now, but that’s pretty much because I was entertaining. I always had a story to tell, maybe it was this kid who called me faggot in the hallway who I beat up or maybe it was the teacher who got on my nerves in class that I told off, either way I would always be the center of attention at lunch time. Back then nobody knew I was gay except for my dad, that is if he wasn’t in deep denial. Yeah, I’m sure Armin wouldn’t mind, but if Armin knew then it might have slipped or something, I don’t know. I was paranoid. And who could blame me after the last time I told someone.

Not too sure if I want to relive that again. Not yet.

And hey, I was a shitty person. I may sound like I’m trying to excuse the things I did during that time but any more excuses I could give would be B.S.

Armin. I don’t know how many times I’ve apologized to him since I was that asshole.

But I can’t deny that it happened.

When Armin came out to me my reaction was in no way genuine, but it was the reaction I gave to him and the reaction I stuck with for almost a full year. I told him he was wrong. I followed the example of my old man, said I didn’t want to be associated with a queer. It broke him to be hurt like that by his best friend. I was a really, really bad person. All I did was give him the same pain I was given. Thats just a shitty thing to do.

He stopped talking to me, avoided me in the hallways, other things you have to do when you’re hurt by someone. Whenever someone asked me what happened I would tell them that we got in a fight.

I could never tell them what it was about. I don’t know why, maybe it was because I still loved him. And I did. So much. I don’t know what possessed me to do what I did, but I guess it was just leftover anger.

I was an angry child, thus all my exciting stories having to do with me flipping out about what someone said or did. I’m still angry, but I’ve learned to chill with it most of the time. I wish I knew how to do that then, probably would have gotten me out of a lot of situations.

Oh, but then I would have never met Jean Kirschtein.

I think it was a month after the incident with Armin that we first made contact, and by that I mean when his fist made contact with my face. Out of all of my fights in high school, that was the one that I remember the most vividly.

He was friends with Marco even then. I’m pretty sure they grew up together, because there’s no way that Marco could have tolerated him otherwise. I’m just glad Marco was there.

He approached me first, hands already clenched into fists and his lips parted into a snarl, “What did you say to Armin?”

The sound of Armin’s name hurt my chest but I laughed it off, “I don’t know what you mean.”

“He told me that you hurt him.” Marco was the first person Armin told, and Marco eventually told Jean. Jean didn’t know what I said, but I knew he wouldn’t be so angry with me if he found out. He also appeared to society as a homophobic ass. I could have just ended it by outing Armin.

“I don’t know what you mean, man. Piss off. I just want to go to lunch.” I moved to continue down the hallway but he grabbed my arm, swinging me back in front of him.

Thats when he punched me. “Don’t bullshit me, Jaeger. Armin doesn’t lie.” I tried to shrug him off of me but his grip was solid.

“Can we talk about this somewhere-”

“No, we’ll talk about this right here.” People started to stop and watch us. This wasn’t exactly something I wanted people to hear. I grabbed Jean’s arm with my other hand and pried him off me, then dragging him into the men’s bathroom. He surprisingly didn’t give much resistance. I only let go of him once I had made sure no one was with us. I turned to him.

“Okay, listen. I don’t know who you are, but you obviously don’t understand what happened. Just please, don’t get into things you don’t fucking understand.”

He seemed to consider this for a minute, leaning against the wall and breathing for a minute, “Will you explain it to me?”

“If you get on my good side, Ponyboy.”

He rolled his eyes, “Okay, lets start over or whatever. Jean Kirschtein.”

“Eren Jaeger.”

“Yeah, I know who you are. You’re the guy who doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut.”

“Same to you.”

“Touche.”

And with that we were friends. He seemed pretty cool when he wasn’t about to punch me, and I needed more friends who didn’t like me for my stories. At least that’s who Sasha and Connie were to me at the time.

We talked for a while after that. I liked him. He liked me. It just clicked.

I had never had a crush I had to admit to myself much since the day of my thirteenth birthday. Yeah, I thought boys were attractive and all, but I could convince myself that it was just jealousy.

With Jean it wasn’t jealousy.

And the day after our almost fight, that was made painfully clear to me. I was sitting at lunch, surrounded with people who had heard about my encounter with Jean and wanted to learn more. I somehow convinced them that Jean was just pissed off about some girl and needed to blow off steam, and after that, the crowd started to wander away. I focused my attention on the sandwich my mom had made me.

When I did look up, my eyes immediately met Jean’s from two tables away.

The smile he gave me collided with my heart and excited the butterflies inside. My legs went numb and the only thing I could do was smile back.

I recognized this feeling. It was the feeling of having an honest to good crush. And it hurt.

He started to get up when a hand rested on his shoulder. It was Marco, and thank god he did. I’m pretty sure if Jean ended up coming over I would have outed myself to the entire room just to get a kiss from him.

And that was our less than a moment.   
That was also when I had to admit to myself that no matter how hard my dad prayed to a god he didn’t believe in, I was gay as fuck.

But Jean wasn’t. Jean was the guy who called everybody “homos” and punched anyone who even considered he might be gay. But then, wasn’t I that guy too?

What started as a little thought grew into obsession. Every minute I was thinking about him, worrying about him, dreaming about him. It wasn’t creepy, I was just nervous. If he found out I was gay and was actually homophobic I don’t think I could handle it.

Yes, hypocritical I know, considering what I did to Armin. But I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking about the hot guy with an undercut who was taking over my life and I just needed to let it out.

It got worse as the year progressed and my relationship with him got stronger. I was never invited to his house or anything, but I started sitting with him at lunch. I couldn’t stop myself from looking at him, looking at the curve of his lips or the color of his eyes or the way his arm felt around my shoulders when he was bringing me into a conversation and it was just about to tear me apart.

I think the one thing that was harder than having that crush was admitting it. I don’t know how many times I’d yell and curse at myself in my room at night. Dad had convinced me that if I was gay I was wrong, I was a mistake. It took me a while to accept who I was.

It took me six months, actually. It seemed to have taken him six months too. Looking back at it, I wonder if things would have changed if I held off for another month or two.  

We fought a little bit over those six months, over stupid little things like Jean insisting that he looks more masculine or me getting really defensive when he thought that Mikasa would grow up to be hot (because really you don’t just say that. She was twelve for god's sake), but each fight resulted in a weak apology and one of us offering to buy the other food. It wasn’t an awful friendship.

I don’t even remember what we were fighting about, maybe one of us took money from the other or something.

He approached me the next day in the hallway. Luckily no one was around (that would turn into an interesting story), but he looked at me like I’ve never seen him look at me before. I was scared, to be honest. I didn’t know he could be so angry over such a small thing.

But he carried me by the hood of my jacket into the men’s bathroom. To be honest, the last time I was there it had been to talk to Jean. I didn’t pee there. Too scared of the potential homosexuals seeing my penis, or at least that’s what I said. I may have been a little self-conscious.   

He hit all the stall doors to make sure no one could overhear us. Each time the palm of his hand collided with the doors I jumped a little. I’ve never seen him so angry. Yeah, I’ve seen him angry. Like on the first day we met, or even just a few weeks ago. When he’s angry he shows it, clenched fists, bared teeth, and bad language. That day he just seemed calm, but with everything he hit came so much force and so much strength that I was downright terrified of what he would do to me.

After clearing the bathroom, he quickly locked the door and turned to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if my legs were shaking. The way he looked at me would send most jumping out the window, his small brown eyes met mine and he walked over. Pushing me against the wall.

“I am tired of this. I’m tired of waiting for this feeling to go away and you’re not helping it. Do you know what you do to me? WIth those big fucking blue eyes and your fluffy hair and your loud mouth and the way you tease me just makes me go out of control.” I was confused, well of course it was, I usually am when people are admitting things to me.

When his lips met mine I was pretty sure my heart was about to jump out of my chest and start doing laps. When I didn’t respond he started to pull away, but I grabbed his the back of his head and pushed him back down to me, kissing him again. He leaned into the kiss, pressing me against the bathroom wall and setting to arms on either side of me to keep me in place. It wasn’t like I wanted to move.

When we finally broke away, Jean asked me if I wanted to skip class and come over to his house or a bit more privacy. I said yes, of course, I am indeed a horny teenage boy (maybe not those exact words), and if I should have been scared about what Dad would say, it didn’t pass through my head then. What was going on in my head was “wow Jean’s lips are really soft” and “he’s biting his lip and it’s doing things to me”. So yeah, I skipped Math class like a total badass and went to Jean’s house.

His parents weren’t home, luckily for us, and the minute we set down our backpacks we were kissing again. He almost fell when we stumbled back into the staircase, resulting in some laughs and me offering him a hand to get up. He took it, but he never let go, leading me up the stairs and into his bedroom.

I won’t describe to you what my first time was like, but I wish that it was more thought-through. However, to be honest, it probably would have been with him anyways.  

The next day was Saturday, so I ended up just calling my dad to tell him I was spending the night at a friends house. He made sure it wasn’t a girl (even though he should have known better), and reluctantly gave me permission. I guess it might have been more accurate to say that I was spending the night in a friends house.

The next morning we found time to talk about how this whole not-actually-homophobic-but-has-to-pretend-to-be thing was gonna work. We set up rules, rules we didn’t really want to follow but were rules all the same, and that was that. We were together, but not publicly. I thought it would be easy. Maybe not exactly what I wanted, but I wasn’t about to throw away this relationship I had just because nobody could know about it. I convinced myself that it was fine, better off this way. If my dad found out I’d be toast, you know?

So we proceeded as normal, sat together at lunch, joked around like old bros. And then every other day I would go over to his house, we would fuck, and then go to school the next day. I’m pretty sure Dad was fine without me in the house. Mikasa was hanging out with her friends and stuff. I don’t really remember what Mom was doing around that time. I didn’t pay her much attention.

As I hung out with Jean more and more I got to know his friends. Ymir and Christa were dating at the time. Jean didn’t protest, probably because he was too scared of Ymir, so I didn’t either. And they were pretty cute, hell they still are now. I still like Christa. It’s a shame Ymir had to turn out like this.

I also met Annie through Jean. She was cold and distant then as she is now. She changed when her mother died, which happened around freshmen year. I was never particularly close with her,since she scared the life out of me, but she was one of the only people who one against me in a fight. Actually, I lie about that. She was the only one I would admit to losing against in a fight.

Reiner was the only one of us who was actually homophobic. He grew up in an extremely conservative home. I’m pretty sure if he ever found out Jean was gay he would keel over and die. He was a stereotypical jock, always wore his jersey and greeted people with noogies and insults. I never really liked him, but we had to talk, you know? Popularity points and crap. He acted like he was so tough but I bet you fifty bucks, which I don’t actually currently own, that the moment he got home he was a spoiled little brat who sucked up to his mom for just one more glass of juice. His family and Bertoldt’s were really close. I guess they went to the same church or something. Bertoldt wasn’t as bad as Reiner, but he was still pretty conservative. He just didn’t act like a knuckle-head. I didn’t mind him, actually. I just wish he was a bit more open minded. Who knows, we might have even been friends after this whole Jean thing.

Finally there was Marco. I loved Marco, still do. I just wish he chose better friends. Jean and I used to get coffee with him every school morning. We would laugh about stupid jokes, like how Jean just liked sugar, Marco just liked half-and-half, and I liked my coffee black. We were specific about our tastes. Sometimes we still meet up for coffee at Cream and Sugar and to make it feel like high school again, but it’s not the same. There’s no Jean. So it always ends in awkward chuckles and excuses to go home. Who knows, maybe it’ll feel better if he comes to Heichou.

Now I’m just rambling. Sorry ‘bout that.

From March to July we kept this up, dating each other behind the backs of other people. At first it was just sex but then I felt something new from Jean. Love. Passion. And for once I thought that he might actually love me for more than what we had.

I wasn’t invited to his birthday party.

It hurt but I could understand. Who knows what could have happened. Thats what I told myself to keep myself from starting to think.

After the party Jena invited me over and we did what we usually do, fucking until midnight before going to sleep and pretending it never happened the next day. I don’t know what changed that night, but I snapped, and as we were sleeping, backs turned to each other on opposite sides of the beds, I just went for it.

“I love you, you know?”

I could feel him tense, “No you don’t, go back to sleep.”

That wasn’t good enough. I rolled over to wrap my arms around him, “I do. I really do, Jean. I love you.”

It was silent for a while. I watched as my hand went up and down on his chest.

“Get out.”

I tried to snuggle up closer but he pushed me away, standing up and walking across the room.

“What do you mean? What am I to you then? Just a good fuck to get out some stress. Is that all I’m good for? I thought that when we kissed it meant something.I’ve been doing this shit for what, three months? Four months?”

He tossed my clothes to me, “My parents won’t hear you leave. Get dressed quickly.”

“No, Jean. Listen to me,” I moved towards him until he had to look up at me, but the moment his eyes met mine he looked away, “I’m not going to just leave because you told me to. I’m not going to leave bcause I fucking told you I love you. I thought we were together, but I guess I was just this toy of yours to screw around with.”

“No.”

“What do I mean to you, then?”

He swallowed before meeting my eyes again. “Nothing. You mean nothing to me. Not even a toy. What we had was just the result of my hormones getting out of control. Now get out before I throw you out the fucking window. I don’t love you.”

And so I left. I snuck into my room in the dead of night the window because I knew that my dad would freak out if he heard me come in this late at night. But the moment my body hit the mattress I broke into a sob. He meant everything to me, and the moment I said three little words he told me I meant nothing.

I only had another week before school got out so I spent every minute of it on a quest to avoid him. Maybe it would have worked if it weren’t for his little friends asking him about where I was. And you know what he did? He outed me. Told the entire group that I was gay, and not only that but he also told them that I tried to take advantage of him. Reiner and Bertoldt hated me for being gay and Annie and Ymir hated me because of what I had supposedly did to Jean. They were the only ones Jean told but everyone knew that I did something. They started to avoid me. I never got bullied or anything but it still hurt like hell. Especially because Jean was the reason that entire thing even happened.

Eventually I got up the courage to talk to Armin. Sounds like I was just crawling back to him, but I really did want to talk to him. He agreed, and we just hung out for a while.

It was then that I apologized, told him he didn’t deserve me, and came out myself. I told him about Jean and what he did to me and the rumor that was starting to circle around the school. At first he didn’t want to help me, who could blame him, but in the end he started to talk to me. We became close again. I didn’t deserve that, but he helped me accept myself. I respect him for that.

Marco asked me about it the next year. He seemed to understand. After all, we wouldn’t be having coffee every few weeks if he didn’t.

Senior year was tough. I don’t know how I got through it, but I did. Didn’t have great grades, but I graduated. Barely. Over the course of that year I started to talk to Sasha and Connie more. I introduced them to Armin and came out to them a few months later. They were accepting like I knew they would be. God, I don’t deserve friends like any of them.

Sometimes I like to shut this memory out, force myself to forget what happened the last two years of high school. The thing is, there’s no point to that. I guess I get that now. What happened in the past happened. Jean broke my heart, ruined my friendships, and I should hate him for that but I can’t. But Armin said something to me a few weeks ago that only now seems to make sense.

As much as it hurt, I wouldn’t be who I am today if it never happened.

Being betrayed like that made me realize how much of a dick I was to Armin. I would have never gone back to him if it never happened. I would have never learned to accept myself. Today I probably would be at school, studying for a job I don’t want with a girl I don’t love and dreams I don’t believe in.

I’m constantly wondering if it would have been better that way, but right now I don’t think so. I’m happy with Armin. I’m happy with Connie and Sasha. I’m happy with Mom and Mikasa. It might not be much but it means the world to me.

I haven’t had a crush since Jean. I hope my next relation is better than my last one.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll be back to wanting a normal life, but that’s not what I’m wishing for right now, waiting for Armin to text me back with the details of my new job tomorrow. Hell, I have a new job tomorrow!

It’s gonna take a while, but I’ll find peace with what my life has come to.

I know it.

And hey, I’m only twenty years old.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS FOR READING  
> I really really appreciate it when you guys comment. Like literally every time I get a comment I shed a tear. Not even joking.   
> I don't know when I'll be updating next but probably later this week. I'm moving on the 29th so theres a lot I need to get ready for and stuff so I'm sorry if I don't get the next chapter written this week or next week. It's going to be kinda stressful.  
> Thank you for sticking with me, and I hope to talk to you guys soon! Love ya!


	8. sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's first day at work!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS!  
> So sorry I didn't update last week. Like I explained I was in the middle of packing and everything. Now I am officially living in Colorado, and hopefully that means I won't have as much stuff going on.  
> Yay chapter 8

“Seriously?”

Mikasa swings her legs back and forth from where she’s sitting on my desk. I’ve managed to distract her from her mission (to get me out of bed) by announcing that I will not be driving her to school today, seeing as I have this fancy new job to go to. She doesn’t seem upset, just surprised. Guess she didn’t expect my job hunting to actually go anywhere. She’s right, I guess. If Armin wasn’t dating Creepy Eyebrows, I wouldn’t have known about the job at all. Still, she doesn’t need to know that.

“Yep, they didn’t even need to interview me. Sorry, ‘Kasa. You’ll have to drive yourself.”

“No, I’ve gotta ride.” She smiles softly and her eyes drift to the window above my bed.

“Hmm?” I sit up and lean towards her, “What’s that? A ride? With whom?”

She rolls her eyes, “Eren, stop. I’m not going to talk about my social life with you.”

“Oh but by the face your making I’d have to say that it’s a bit more of a… love life.”

She rolls her eyes again, and I guess she doesn’t want to share the details with her cool older brother.

I yawn and pull the covers off of me before standing and making my way over to the door. I trip on the edge of the carpet and stumble half of the way over there, but when I finally grab the door to pull myself up again, Mikasa jumps off the desk.

“I’ll meet you downstairs. Make sure you shave today and wear good clothes… I’ll pick them out for you.”

“But Mikasa…” She pushes me into the hallway, “I need my glasses.”

She stuffs them into my hands and closes the door behind her.

I grumble some complaints on my way to the bathroom. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to get contacts, I mean I could probably keep track of them easier than I do with my glasses. But they're expensive. And I’m lazy. So maybe some day I’ll get contacts but not today and probably not tomorrow either.

I get cleaned up for the day (run a comb through my hair, shave, brush my teeth, etc.) and meet Mikasa back in my room, where she points towards the outfit she’s laid out for me on my bed and moves past me to the stairs. A blazer I haven’t worn for year and a pair of nice pants my grandma got me. I haven’t dressed this well for a while. I grab one of the t-shirts from GAP I got yesterday and slip the blazer on over it. I feel good dressed up like this. I feel powerful.

After getting on the rest of my outfit and skip downstairs and into the kitchen.

I set the table like usual, this time sitting Mikasa farther away from dad. I know she didn’t do her homework two nights ago. I’ve never actually seen dad get mad at Mikasa, but I don’t think she ever slipped up like she did then. Don’t wanna test it.

After we are all served, Mom takes the seat next to me and looks me over once before grinning, “Where are you going all dressed up, hun?”

“I-”

“Are you going on a date with your new girlfriend, son?” Dad. No.

“Actually I umm, I start work today.”

Mom’s smile grows larger, “Really? Oh sweetie, I’m so proud of you! Where at?”

I can’t help but smile myself, “Heichou. It’s a coffee shop downtown, Armin’s…” I glance over to my dad, “...A friend of Armin’s works there. He found out I was looking for a job and offered me that one.”

“That’s great, Eren.” Mom turns back to her breakfast, a smile still spread across her lips. It feels weird to be treated like this. It feels good. It’s not like my mom treats me badly like Dad does, but for her to be honest to good proud of me? Hasn’t happened for a while.

That’s not enough for Dad. He knows it and I know it, but we both don’t say anything. We just finish up our breakfast and part ways, him going out to his car and I to the living room to wait for Mikasa’s ride with her.

It doesn’t take long for her “friend”s silver Volvo to pull up. I stand up and give her a hug (I haven’t hugged her in a while, man), but she pushes me away with a laugh and runs out the door, her backpack barely hanging over her shoulder. I follow her minute later after giving Mom a hug on my way out, because she actually accepts my hugs and doesn’t get all embarrassed.

Armin has classes this morning but he’s driving that way anyway, so of course he offered me a lift. He pulls up a minute early with donuts, which i accept despite having just ate breakfast. You can’t reject donuts unless you’re like allergic or something. It’s just unheard of.

We arrive at the cafe sooner than what I would’ve liked. I stuffed the rest of the donut I was working on before mumbling a “thank you” to Armin and hurrying out the car.

The cafe was slow again today, just a guy working on his laptop on one of the couches and a woman with a high brown ponytail. When she turned to see me I saw she had goggle-like glasses on and a wild smile. I think she was that woman from the party, the one Erwin kept referring to as Hanji. I guess she came to visit him or something.

She jumps up from the barstool and runs over to me, grabbing my wrist and pulling me over to the counter.

“Hi! You must be Eren. At first I thought you would be a girl because Eren is usually a name for girls when it’s spelled E-R-I-N but then again what really are names for girls? What’s the point of them? Like what does gender have to do with names? What makes the name Justin so masculine. Oh, but that’s just an example. I don’t know if Hanji is feminine or masculine but I’m guessing it’s neither which fits pretty well for me… Oh and I’m Hanji! Right now everyone is upstairs trying to get a certain grumpster out of bed but I was told to run the shop until Oluo comes but we all know that’s not gonna happen today until fifteen minutes before his shift ends.” She laughs, “ Anyway, you’ll be able to meet Petra, Mike, Gunther, and Eld in a second. You’ve met all the other employees I think, and by other employees I mean two. They’re all here today since it’s your first day, but I wouldn’t necessarily get used to it but what am I supposed to say I only come here for a few minutes everyday I don’t know how to whole thing works. All I really know is what my bestie tells me and speaking of which he should be down here in a second and do you want some coffee because I know how to make coffee.”

That was.

Umm.

A lot of info to take in at once.

I try to smile in a way that doesn’t look nervous at all, “No umm, I’m okay.”  
“Great, Hanji. You’re already scaring him.” I hear a deep chuckle. The look on Hanji’s face goes from excited to angry in less than a second, but then it’s back again. She turns away from the staircase and walks to her seat again. Erwin puts a hand on my shoulder and I do not like this contact at all, “How are you, Eren? Ready to learn how to make coffee.

I nod and let him lead me behind the counter. I don’t ask where everyone else is, but it does seem a little weird that everyone would be upstairs trying to wake some guy up.

“So, what the hell am I doing?”

He laughs, “I’ll let Levi teach you how to make coffee.”

Levi? Levi works here? Oh god.

I laugh anxiously, “Oh, so umm, he’s here too?”

“Yeah. I thought you two would get along pretty well. He seems to like you.”

“Like me?” He seems to hate my utter existence.

“Yeah. Not everyday that Levi would give someone a ride. I know him pretty well.”

Hanji scoffs from her seat but Erwin pays no attention to it.

“I’m going to teach you how to greet a customer.”

And so he did. For the rest of the morning Erwin taught me how to act around customers. I’m guessing he takes this pretty seriously.

I only got to see him actually talk to customers twice but it did seem relatively easy. He told me to use my “charm” or whatever that means. Hanji left a few minutes after we started, but by the time Erwin says we’re done for the day she’s already sitting at the counter again.

“I’m gonna go get Levi, ‘kay Eren? I’ll be back!” Hanji grins and runs up the spiral staircase. Less than a minute later she returns, pulling two people back with her.

The first person to almost fall down the stairs is a red-haired petite woman. She clings onto the arm of a tall man with his short brown hair greased back. They somehow manage to get to the bottom of the stairs safely.

The woman offers me her hand, “My name is Petra! I’m a waitress here, but sometimes I’m a barista as well.”

Petra. I take her hand and shake it stiffly, the way my father taught me to.

The second man nurses his arm (the one Hanji was pulling) but he smiles over at me, “I’m Gunther. I’m in charge of washing dishes, wiping down tables, those things.” I smile back at him.

Hanji comes up behind me and clasps my shoulders, “This is Eren! He’s in charge of the register and maybe probably baristaing.” Both Petra and Gunther give noises of acknowledgement.

“Levi should be down in a few. I don’t know where Mike is… Probably trying to get a hold of Oluo, and Eld took the fire escape.

He took the fire escape? What is that supposed to mean. Everyone else seems to get it and nods slightly.

“Okay, squad!” Erwin’s voice booms from behind the counter, “You know your jobs! Get to work!”

Petra and Gunther turn to him before bringing their right fist to their chest and their left arm stiff behind them. Then they relax and disperse themselves throughout the cafe.

Hanji leans over to me, “You’re gonna need to learn that. It’s the solute, just a sorta quirk they have here. It’s fun to do, just watch!” Hanji takes a step back at does the solute herself before grinning like a madman and asking me to do it. So I do. And it feels frickin awesome.

This job might be pretty fun.

I decide to sit next to Hanji at the counter, watching as everyone else goes about their day. They don’t have a lot to do, but it’s still pretty interesting to watch them wipe down the tables repeatedly. Really I’m just feeling glad I won’t have to do that. Whoops.

Levi doesn’t really strike me as someone who would miss a day of work, regardless of the reason. I guess I don’t know him very well and all, but still! I wanna see him. He’s cool… and kinda attractive.

Wait what.

“Levi.” Erwin leans across the counter. Shit. This is it. He’s a mind reader. He knows I’m not actually with Sasha. This is the end for me.

“What.”

“The cleaning.” Hanji clarifies. My secret is 100% safe. “He’s a clean freak. It can be pretty funny sometimes.”

“Should I be scared?”

She giggles, “Aww Eren, only if you leave a stain. And if you do…” She twists the barstool around until she’s facing me and grabs me by the shoulders, leaning in, “…run.”

Wait is she serious? She sounds serious.

“I’m just messing with you, Eren! You’re so easy to scare, I just can’t help myself.”

Gunther comes up behind us, mop in one hand and a bucket in the other, “Sorry, Hanji’s a little dramatic.”

She gasped, “I am not!”

“Point proven.” Gunther pokes at her with the tip of his mop before moving to put them away. He stops at the bottom of the stairs and turns back to us, “Guess who’s up?”

“Levi!” Before I can register what was going on, Hanji’s on her feet and running to the spiral staircase, “Why did you take so long! I had to hang out with someone I don’t like!”

I don’t have to be a genius to know she’s talking about Erwin.

“Yeah, yeah.” I hear a familiar grumble coming from the top of the stairs. Soon I see the body of Levi start to emerge! Oh my, ain’t this a treat!

He stops at the last step and look over the café until his eyes meet mine. My breath catches in my throat. Even as noticeably tired as he is his eyes are still sharp and intimidating, but it’s hard to look away. He holds eye contact for a minute or two before moving his gaze to Hanji, who’s excitedly rambling on about the day so far. He seems disinterested in what she’s saying, but there’s definitely something different about the way he looks at her.

Erwin decides to take the seat next to mine (where Hanji previously sat) and leans close to my ear, “You should greet him. After all, he is your new boss.”

I swallow and nod curtly. I don’t want to be this nervous. I wish I was as calm Levi, but it doesn’t look like that’s gonna happen. My experience with interacting with guys I have a crush on usually results in embarrassing myself and running away. Last time I actually got anywhere was with Jean.

Jean.

I haven’t talked to him since that night. It’s not like we have each other’s numbers or anything, but I could get it from Armin. It would be easy. I mean it’s healthy to talk these things out, right?

What’s definitely not healthy is this worrying.

I’m scared shitless. Yeah, he could be a changed man or something. I changed. He probably did too. Maybe we could put our past behind us and, I don’t know, be friends.

Seems easy enough.

Except it’s not. I wish it was. It should be, right? Why is it so hard to forgive him?

Erwin literally knocks me out of my thoughts with a strong slap on the back, sending me stumbling towards Levi. He directs his attention back to me, and he doesn’t look very impressed.

“Umm… Hey, again.” I reach up to rub the back of my neck. “So, when should we learn the- the coffee thing?” I squint up at him. His expression hasn’t changed. He doesn’t say anything, so I decide to keep talking, “Or not. I mean I’m guessing you’re pretty busy and all with the shop so… I’ll just figure it out. Thanks. Bye.”

I turn to leave but (because the world hates me) I feel someone grab onto the collar of my shirt and yank me back. When I turn my head back I found out that Hanji, apparently, is actually the one that hates me. Her lips are squeezed shut, trying not to laugh, and I guess I can’t blame her. That was awkward as heck.

Levi rolls his eyes, “You almost ramble as much as this shit head.” He motions towards where Hanji stands and she breaks into a howling laughter.

I bite my lip, “So, about that teaching thing.”

“I’ll teach you. Can’t have you giving our customers shitty coffee. Just make it quick.” He says, before walking over to the counter. I gawk after him.

Hanji manages to control her laughter, “Oh my god, he likes you! He was polite! Aww, Eren, you’ve cured his illness!”

That was polite?

I shake her off me with a smile and follow after the grumpy short man, who’s waiting impatiently by the coffee beans.

And so he teaches me. He’s not easy going or patient, but he’s good. At teaching. He doesn’t mention our other meetings during the lesson, but maybe part of that is because he’s not much of a talker. Either way, I’m grateful. Popping a boner in public and being caught by the person who caused it isn’t really fun to talk about.

After I manage to make a good batch of coffee he dump the rest with a sigh.

“Okay, idiot. Drink up your coffee, this is your break. Why do you have a break an hour before you can go home? Ask the stupid law.”

I nod and sit down at the counter again. Hanji had left along with Petra during my lesson, so there isn’t many people I can talk to. Gunther’s cool and all, but he seems pretty busy fixing up something under the sink.

Levi left to wash his hands in the bathroom sink, which gives me time to think.

And guess who I think about.

Do I have a crush on Levi? Well I’m attracted to him, that’s for certain. But a crush? DO I want to date him?

I eventually decide that I’ve been doing way too much heavy thinking for the day and I finish up my coffee, just in time for Levi return from his hand washing.

“Clean your hands and we’ll get back to work.” I’m on my feet immediately, following his orders.

He doesn’t seem to happy with how fast it took me to rinse my hands off, but I ignore him. I’m not clean freaky like him. I don’t need to spend five minutes washing my hands. I’m young and rebellious.

“Do you know how many germs-” His lecture is cut off by the sound of my cellphone ringing in my pocket. I scramble to pull it out and look at the caller ID. It’s Dad.

“I really need to take this, it’s my dad, I’m sorry, It’ll take five minutes…” Levi waves me off and I thank him before running outside and clicking answer.

“Eren.” My dad’s voice sounds stiff and cold. Stiffer and colder than usual. I glare at the sidewalk.

“Dad?”

“Eren, something’s happened.”

I can feel my heart beating faster, “What happened.”

“Your mother went to pick Mikasa up from school when Mikasa called to tell us her ride left early. You and I were at work so your mother went even though she hates driving and always panics at the worst possible fucking moment and she had to use the freeway and she got hit by a car-”

No. No, this was not happening. My mom. My mom was not dead she was fine. She’s just a bit shaken up or- or- she got a few minor injuries, not... “Dad.”

“Eren, Mikasa didn’t make it.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry.  
> Also, I apologize this chapter sucks as far as writing skill goes (its also short). I'm tired. It's 3:30 in the morning. Maybe I'll edit a bit later.  
> Don't know when the next chapter will come out but I hope it'll be soon.  
> So yeah.  
> See you soon.


	9. Small little angsty chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little chapter I just wrote about Eren dealing with loss! Fun for the whole family.

I don’t know when I started running. I just know that my legs are tired and I can’t see anything through these blurred eyes. Where am I going? Somewhere. Somewhere away from this. Somewhere where all my family is still at home and I can just go back to them after all this.

I don’t even know if he still lives here. But as I stand, panting, in front of Jean’s house I know that this is where I have to be. He’ll throw me out. I don’t care.

When I knock on the door it barely makes a sound, but the housekeeper opens it up anyways. Right, it’s Monday. We always had to be careful on Mondays. But at times when we forgot… Well… She would always look at me the way she’s looking at me now.

I laugh despite myself and push myself into the house. She only watches me, timidly, holding onto the vacuum cleaner.

“Jeans not here.” She bites her lip, “He’ll be back in an hour.”

I don’t bother to give her a nod. I just stumble my way upstairs.

Jean’s room hasn’t changed a bit since last time I saw it. The walls are still covered with the band posters every teenage boy in every teenage movie seems to have. His bed is messy (I guess the house keeper hasn’t cleaned his room yet) and the comforter is still the same navy blue. I trail a finger across the edge of his white sheets.

The brown dresser in the corner hasn’t changed much either, except for the new pictures laid out lazily across it. The pictures used to show pictures of me. Me with his friends, me with just Jean. He even dared to frame a picture of us where he had his arm around me in the most platonic way possible. Now they only showed pictures of Annie, Reiner, Bertoldt and Marco. However, I did see Armin mixed in with the group. They were happy. They are happy, without me, but happy all the same. Except-

Ugh. I lean against the wall, hitting my head on the low slopped ceiling. Why didn’t I just go to Armin’s? He doesn’t have class anymore. He’s my best goddamn friend, not just some ex who pretends like we never dated to defend his pride.

But could you even call it dating? We were friends with benefits. We were a way to get out each other’s sexual frustration. Nothing more, nothing less. But even if that’s what we were, I loved him.

And he broke my heart.

Why can’t I just get over him? I slam my fist against the wall gritting my teeth. Why am I even worrying about this right now. My sister just fucking-

She’s dead.

Mikasa’s dead.

I swallow hard and slowly sink to the floor, digging my fingers into the carpet. I can’t cry. Not here. Not now. I bite my tongue but it doesn’t do anything, my eyes still sting and tears hang precariously from the rim of my eyes.

I loved her.

I loved her so much.

I guess it’s stupid now not to cry. So I bawl. I choke on the lump on my throat until I’m coughing and crying and wailing and now I’m laying, curled up in a ball on this stupid carpet with it’s dumb ass memories and I hate it. I hate it all so much. I hate everything so damn much.

And then I stop. I don’t know if any more tears can even come out of my eyes anymore. So I stare at my fists as my nails dig deeper and deeper in my skin.

I need to rest. I need to just go to sleep…

 

“Eren?”

I drift back into consciousness, right off the bat couching up some mucus caught in the back of my throat.

“Eren!” I feel a warm hand underneath my head and an arm around my waist. I shake my head. No. No I won’t get up. I’ll just sleep…

“Get up now, Eren, or I’m calling 911.”

Wait what. I groan and squint into the light coming from the window. My throat feels sour and my cheeks feel stiff. I don’t like this. I turn around and bury my head into the chest of whoever the hell is calling my name. Hold me.

And he does. He wraps the arm that’s not around my waist across my shoulders, pulling my close to him. I try to breath in his scent but my nose is so stuffed it comes out a sniffle. He runs his fingers through my hair.

“Hey. Mind telling me what you’re doing here?”

“No.” My voice cracks and I snuggle into him again.

“Well, at least can we get off of this scratchy-ass floor. I’m gonna have carpet burns.”

I don’t say anything. He pulls away and I wrap my arms around his neck to keep him close, but he just positions his arms under me and carries me up.

“Ugh, you got heavier since high school.” His chest vibrates.

We’re moving, and then were not. I feel the cold surface of his sheets and the weight of the bed shift as he lies next to me. He wraps his arms around me again and I do the same, our legs entangling.

“So,” He murmurs into my hair, “You come here often or was this a one time thing?”

“One time.”

“Oh, okay.” He’s awkward. I don’t care. He’s warm. And something in the back of my head is telling me I need that right now, even if I don’t want to remember why.

So we lay there together. It only takes me a few minutes to figure out the person holding me is Jean, and a few minutes after that to realize that that’s not a good thing. But you see, I just don’t care. I don’t feel sad or hurt by him right now In fact, I don’t feel anything. Just numb.

I fall asleep again. When I wake up I can still feel Jean pressed against me. He’s whispering something.

And then he kisses my hairline.

Suddenly I don’t feel so numb. My heart flutters and I look up at him with drowsy eyes. He curses under his breath and turns his head the other way. I should do something. And so I do.

I lean up and place a trembling hand onto his cheek and pull it down until his nose is brushing up against mine. He looks down at me, his cheeks dusted with pink, and I plant a soft kiss against his lips. He melts into it, taking his hands from around my chest and onto my hair, pulling my head closer to his. I pull away slightly. No. I don’t want this to be our normal sexual experiences.

I crave this feeling like water after a day in the desert.

He whines and tries to catch my lips again, but I turn my head.

I need to talk about this.

“Jean.” I breathe, “Can I um… talk?”

He sits up and runs a had through his hair, “Oh, yeah. Sure. Go for it.”

I sit up as well, detangling our legs, “I didn’t come here to visit. Or have sex. Or whatever you thought.” I took a deep breath, “I came here because I needed to go somewhere that wasn’t today. And you’re not my today. Since that night you’ve always been in my past and never once seriously in my future. I know you don’t love me. I know you’re not gay. I get it.

I would’ve gone to Armin, but he reminds me too much of what I have now. And… what I don’t have I guess. Even f he had nothing to do with it, he’s too present. I don’t want to upset him either. He doesn’t know yet. Jean… did you ever meet Mikasa?”

He blinked, “Umm, yeah. Remember. I thought she was pretty when she was 12.” The nervous laugh I hear next is something I could’ve lived without hearing. So was that comment.

I squeeze my eyes shut and try not to cry again but the lump in my throat is back and it hurts like hell to keep it in. But I do. I take a deep breath. Only a tear or two this time.

“I got a call from my dad. He said- he said that because of me Mom had to drive Mikasa and Mom hates driving and-“ I bite my tongue, “And Mikasa didn’t make it. Because of me. Because of tis dumb ass job that doesn’t even pay well and it’s empty and because of my own stupidity my own fucking sister died. I loved her. I love her. I love her!” I slam my fist against the pillow, “It’s my fault!” I slam it again “I hate this! I hate this so much! I never told her I was gay. I never told her about the hot guy who I accidently threw a ball at! I never told her abut what dad does! I never told her about us! I never.” I punch the wall this time and crack at the pain that shoots through me, turning and sobbing into Jean’s chest while cradling my hand.

He licks his lips before pulling my close, “Hey. It’s okay. You didn’t know. You couldn’t of stopped this. You needed time and you didn’t get enough. Just breathe.”

And so I breathe and sleep again.

When I wake up next it’s light out. Tuesday. I spent the night I guess.

I kiss him on the jaw and sit up, rubbing my eyes. He sighs.

“Will I see you soon?”

“I don’t know.”

“Where are you going now?”

“I don’t know.”

He’s silent for a minute, “I think you should go home.”

 _Home._ That was definitely not a word I wanted to hear. It wasn’t home anymore. It was Dad.

But I nod anyway, standing up and, as usual, failing to balance on two legs. I stumble over, my hand grabbing the windowsill.

“You know, Mikasa would usually laugh or make a smart ass comment if she was here.” I walk towards the door, hand resting on the doorknob, “She would definitely stop me from wearing the same clothes for two days straight.”

Jean groans and buries his face his pillow, “Wait, Eren.”

I stand a little taller, “Yeah?”

“Can you umm…” He trails off, flicking his pillow, “Can you take the window?”

 

I check my phone instinctively once I get outside. I have a lot of calls and texts. What fun. I’ll deal with dad’s wrath once I get to my house.

The fall doesn’t seem so beautiful anymore. It’s just cold. I left my coat at Heichou yesterday. The leaves are just loud and in the way. The colors? Distracting.

I guess you don’t realize how much someone puts beauty in your life until they’re not there anymore.

My phone buzzes again. A message from an unknown number.

**(xxx)xxxxxx- It’s Levi. Where the fuck did you go. I wasn’t done with you yet. You better be fucking delusional if you think you’re getting paid for leaving early without even saying a word.**

I stuff it into my pants pocket. I'll deal with this later. That is, after I look at this text that just came in.

 

**From (xxx)xxxxxx- Don’t act like you didn’t see my message, you little shit. I can clearly see that you did. There’s a notification, you know.**

 

Shit, what now? I don’t wanna talk about this.

 

**From (xxx)xxxxxx- This whole thing is strike one. Three strikes and you’re fired, so don’t make this a habit.**

Oh what the hell.

 

**To (xxx)xxxxxx- I needed 2 leave. Text me l8r.**

I don’t check when my phone buzzes again. Instead I continue on my way. And for the first time since the first time dad and I seriously fought, I sob in public.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is immature and Hanji reveals her past with Erwin! (Yay)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's this chapter.

“Oh look, Hanji. It’s this idiot.”

I bite my lip. Is this guy serious? I literally just walked in and Levi’s already being a asshole.

“I’m not an idiot!” I shout, one hand still wrapped around the door handle.

“Your texts say otherwise.” What? “You could be the smartest person in the world, but if you text like an dumbass, you’re an idiot to me.”

Seriously? He’s mad because I don’t spell out every single damn word like he does? I scoff and throw my head to the side, taking this time to appreciate the art on the wall. They’re photographs with Erwin’s business card stuffed into the frame. He’s pretty talented; I’ll give him that.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and swing my head almost right into Hanji’s. She gives me a comforting smile.

“Let’s go somewhere else, okay hun? You look like you need a god old fashioned rant.” I nod weakly and let her lead me towards the spiral staircase and up the steps. I haven’t been up here yet. Isn’t this Levi’s apartment?

“Levi and Erwin share it.” She confirmed, a hand still wrapped around my wrist. She smiles at me and opens the door, ushering me in.

The living room/dining room/kitchen area looks like it just walked out of an Ikea catalogue. There’s a sharp grey couch facing a stone fireplace, two black chairs on either side. A wide orange lamp sits on one end table while a black lamp-thing sits on the other. The floors themselves are clean and polished wood, not a stain or a scratch in it. The kitchen is equally as modern and equally as neutral when it came to colors, all except for a few splashes of bright colors (cutting boards, frames for photographs like the ones downstairs, serving spoons, etc.).  There’s a counter with bright orange barstools seems to be where they do most of the eating, seeing how the dining table doesn’t even have placemats set up. The dining room, as neglected as it is, is still beautiful. A big oak table stretches across it, colorful flowers exploding out of a glass vase in the center.

How do they even afford this place?

I drag my fingers across the soft blanket draped over the couch and take a deep breath in. It smells sweet in here. Like artificial flowers.

Hanji still stands at the doorframe, her smile gone and replaced with something a bit less comforting. She looks sad.

“Hanji-“

“Sorry! Must have spaced out a bit there!” She gives me that fake smile again.

“Hanji what’s going on between you and Erwin?”

She winces, but I’m not about to take back what I said. I need to know. She needs to talk to someone.

Hanji knows this, which is maybe the reason why she plops down on the couch with a sigh, patting the cushion next to her. I sit and stare at her expectantly.

She opens her mouth and closes it again, squeezing her eyes tight, “Eren, before I say this, you have to promise not to treat him any different.”

Erwin. I nod.

She swallows, leaning forward and clasping her hands, “When Erwin first took Levi in, we all connected pretty well. Erwin and I pulled pranks on Levi, teased him, teased each other. We were good. Actually, I was friends with Erwin for a bit even before then, but Levi brought us together, you know? Two people who like teasing grumpy little men.” She chuckles, “I unofficially moved into this apartment, seeing how close it is to the college much closer and comfortable than my dad’s basement.

I don’t remember what happened, but soon Erwin and I grew closer and closer. One night, it just happened. I was drunk. He was drunk. Stuff happened. But the next morning we didn’t regret it for a second, much to Levi’s despair. We became a thing, you know? We were a nice couple. Really nice…” She sighs, “He treated me well.”

“What happened?”

“Eren, are you familiar with identity spectrums, sexuality, romantic attraction, gender…”

“Yeah.” Tumblr helped me learn a lot about that sorta stuff. It’s kinda interesting, actually.

“Growing up I was not, Erwin wasn’t either. But he was pretty open minded too, being bisexual and all. It was actually one of my students that brought it up in a class one day. We talked about it afterwards, and I learned a lot.

“The idea that there is more than just male and female as genders is a fairly new one, as I’m sure you know. But this kid helped me a lot. He talked about agender, gender fluid, demigender, and… non-binary genders. Just like that, everything clicked. I wasn’t just a boyish-girl or a girlish-boy. I wasn’t a boy or girl at all. Even if I have girl sexual organs, I don’t belong to a certain gender.” Hanji bit her lip and looked over to me wearily, “You get that, right?”

I blink. So she’s not a she, wait fuck, “Yeah totally.”

Hanji’s bright blue eyes darken, “Erwin didn’t. He was pretty confident that this other gender spectrum stuff was garbage. But I thought I could trust him. Maybe finding out that someone he loved identified with a different gender would open up his mind a little? I was wrong. I was so wrong. He turned against me, started shouting at me, telling me to knock the act off, told me that it wasn’t funny. I tried o make him understand but he just…” Hanji swallows again, “…broke up with me.”

“God, Hanji.” I wrap my arms around her. The hug’s awkward, but necessary. I mumble into her mess of hair, “I’m sorry. Love sucks. Almost never what it’s cracked up to be. You didn’t deserve him.”

She laughs, “Thanks Eren. It happened a while ago I just- I’m almost over it. I just need a month. Then I’ll be good.” She sniffles and sits up, “So, what’s bothering you, hun?”

Oh. Right.

I stand up and she watches me wearily, “I just, umm-“ Out with it. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, “Yesterday my sister and my mom got in a car accident. My mom’s fine but my sisters…” I chuckle humorlessly, “My sister’s not fine. Not fine at all. She’s dead” I voice cracked and I immediately felt Hanji’s arms returning my hug.”

“Oh Eren. I am so sorry. So so sorry.” This isn’t gonna help. I can’t just keep crying into other people’s shoulders. Pull away from her and lean against the wall, arms crossed and my gaze intently on the floor. Hanji lets her arm drop.

“Please don’t tell me you did something stupid when you found out.”

“I don’t know. Might’ve been stupid. Might’ve been the best thing I could have done.”

“Eren, what did you do.”

I lifted my head but avoided her eyes, “I went to my ex-boyfriend’s house. Talked about it with him. Cried into him. Let him hold me…”  
She furrowed her eyebrows, “You didn’t sleep with him, did you.”

I laughed, ‘No, not this time. I did last week. Not last night. Trust me, I he wanted to, but I just don’t need that right now.”

She nodded, “And when you went home?”

“Not good. Not good at all.” If I think about it I can still feel the stinging when his hand met my cheek.

“Eren, you need to get away.” What? I let myself meet her eyes, “Just somewhere. Hell, even stay with me if you need to. I know you don’t know me all that well, but I’m hear for you.”

I chuckled, “God, you sound just like my best friend when he’s worried.”

She smiles, “Stay with him. He sounds good for you.”

I collapse into one of the chairs, “You’re actually exactly what would happen if my friend Sasha and my friend Armin had a kid that happened to be like ten years older than the both of them.”

Hanji gasps and I look over to her, “Armin?”

“Yeah…”

“You mean Armin Arlert?”

How do they know each other, “You mean you know that nerd?”

She giggles, “Yeah, I told you I worked at a college near here, right? He’s one of my favorite kids. He’s great at science. “

I grin, “Don’t have to be telling me. He loves his science class.”

“Awww.” She places a hand in front of her heart, “He’s so sweet. Well, give him my love! I’ll convince Levi to let you off the hook today.”

“Wait, so I can go?”

“Totally!” She grins, “Hurry up!”

I smile back at her before swinging the door open and running down the stairs, dashing over to the door. I open the door and start out, until I nearly knock into someone awfully familiar.

“Watch where you’re going, dammit.” He grumbles, but when he looks up to me his angry expression turns darker, “You again.”

I gape down at him, “Me again.” I breathe.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Talk to Hanji!” I try to push past him but he grabs my arm and holds me in place.

“I heard what you told Hanji.”

I sighed, “Then you would know that I’m off for today.”

“Fuck that, I’m your boss, not her. You’ll be staying the whole day today, thank you very much.”  
“I really can’t-“

“Eren.” The way he says my name nearly knocks the breath from my lungs, “Lets talk.”

I don’t want to talk, but it’s _him_. Yeah, he might just be firing me or something, but let me just enjoy the possibility that he’s actually taking some sort of interest in me and my life, okay?

I follow him behind the counter, where he quickly asks Petra (who had been working there in my place since Erwin has off today) to leave. He pulls out two stools and sets the in front of the counter.

“You’re working at the counter. If a customer enters, were stopping our conversation there so you can serve them. Is that understood?” I nod quickly and he sighs, brushing off the stool before sitting down. I sit down as well and grip onto to the cushion. I want this to be good. Please don’t let me get fired by my hot boss on my second day, gods of gay.

“So, Eren. I heard about what happened yesterday, or over heard, but who gives a fuck. What I’m saying is that you can’t let an incident like that jeopardize the peace an order here.”

Before even realizing I’ve opened my mouth I’m shouting, “What do you mean? My sister literally just died, my mom’s in the hospital, the entire thing is my fault, and you’re scolding me for disrupting the ‘peace and order’? Honestly, is this how you treat all your employees?”

Levi glares at me, “Shut the fuck up, we don’t want to loose any more customers than we’ve already have because we put Petra in charge of making coffee, a skill that she’s not strong in. I’m trying to talk to you here, but if you’re going to scream bullshit in my face I’m going to have to ask you to leave, Jaeger.”

I shoot him a dirty look but I keep my mouth closed.

“Do you honestly think that you’re the reason why your sister died? Not even you’re hat stupid. How? Explain to me right here right now how you could have prevented this from happening.”

I take a deep breath, speaking softer this time, “If I made sure the ride Mikasa took to school was reliable, she would’ve been fine. If I asked to leave work a little earlier, she would’ve been fine. If I insisted that she borrow my car, she would’ve been fine.”

“Did you know that she would die yesterday?”

“No, but I should’ve been careful.”

Levi narrows his eyes, “When I was younger I lived with my mother in a motel she could barely pay for living in the same rags she found in trashcans day after day and tried to block out the sound a room over where she would bang any guy willing to pay her for a dollar. I loved her, but she wasn’t responsible enough with her money to get enough food for the two of us. She died of starvation at nineteen years old.”

Oh. I look to the ground.

“Now, do you think it’s my fault she died?”

“No!” I cry, before realizing that I’m being way to loud and lowering my voice, shifting my eyes around to make sure nobody’s watching us now, “No, that couldn’t be your fault.”

“Why? Because I was a kid? Listen, kid, you are too, as much as you don’t want to admit it. You’re inexperienced, ignorant, naïve. Just as I was then. You had a bad thing happen to you, but that does not mean it’s your fault. It also doesn’t mean you can lock yourself away and cry about it, like I did.”

He’s right. I hate it but he’s right. I need to grow up.

“So it’s no ones fault? Just fate?”

He scoffs, “Oh, it’s someone’s fault. It was my mother’s fault for not managing her money effectively. I’d say it’s your mom’s fault too.”

Oh hell no, “What do you think you’re saying? My mom can’t drive that well, she gets anxiety on the road.”

“So she shouldn’t have been driving.”

“My mom had no other choice!”

“Wrong. You have a father, don’t you?”

“Yeah, but he was at work.”

“So you could leave work but he couldn’t?”

I glare at the countertop, “His job’s more important.”

“Yeah? Then she made a mistake going on the road in the first place. She knows she has anxiety, doesn’t she?”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing, I stand up, knocking the chair down behind me, “Just stop, just stop, just stop. “

“Eren, sit down-“

“No!” I glare down at him, “No, I’m not just gonna sit there while you insult my _hospitalized_ mom.”

“Tch,” He looks up at me, “I thought you were more mature than this. Fine, if you’re going to be a little kid and lock yourself up in your room to cry, just leave. Come back whenever you want, like I care. Just come back when you’re ready to be a fucking adult.”

I don’t know what to say. Thank you? No, he doesn’t deserve that. See you then? Way too formal.

“Fuck you, Levi.”

And with that I storm out of the café, slamming the door behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> So tell me if anything's unrealistic/way too dramatic because I'm sure it is  
> Eren's still using she/her pronouns because A) Hanji never asked him to use their preferred they/them pronouns and B) He's still getting used to it.
> 
> One more thing: Next chapter I might wanna do a time skip but I'm not too sure if you guys want me to add any more scenes with mourning Eren. Please tell me is you want me to expand on stuff like how it is at home or telling Armin because I can, but I want to get back to normal Eren too. 
> 
> Thank you! See you soon!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time skip and stuff happens. Denial, mostly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> So, warning for this chapter, there are a few triggers. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse and homophobic slurs.
> 
> Besides that, enjoy the chapter!

I don’t know what I expected when I decided it was better to come home than to tell Armin about what happened. Maybe I thought that it would be different. Maybe part of me still hopes that’s the case. But as I stare at the house I’ve lived in since I was born with four people inhabiting it instead of the two that live there now, every inch of me screams to go anywhere else but in through the front door. I think Dad’s inside; at least he told me he was taking off today. Maybe that workaholic asshole got worried about his job performance and called last minute to ask if he could go in. Sounds like something he would do.

Before my mind can convince me to run away I’m pulling the storm door open and reaching for the handle. Dad meets me at the bottom of the stairs before I can even completely cross the threshold.

“Where did you go off to when you slammed the door in my face?” He growls, crossing his arms.

I don’t want to deal with this bullshit. Not after what just happened. But something feels different. This time, I don’t believe the words he’s probably already planned out to yell at me.

This time it’s not my fault.

“I went to work. Apologized for leaving early. Sorry, I thought that’s what you expected of me.” I take a deep breath, mumbling my next few words, “Putting work over my family.”

He seems to hear what I said and his frown turns into a scowl, “What did you just say to me?”

“Listen, Dad. I’m done. I’m done letting you tell me it was my fault.”

“It was.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was a fucking physic.”

“Watch your language.” He growls, taking a step towards me, “Shut up and go to your room.”

I glare at him. Maybe I should just drop this. Maybe I should just let him be mad until this chills over into simple mourning.

 

 

“Stop treating me like garbage. I don’t do things for you. I do them for myself. I’m not gonna follow in your footsteps. Hell, I’m probably never going to college. I’m friends with someone who’s gay. I’m gay. Hey, I slept with a man last Friday, not Sasha. I’m never gonna live up to your expectations of a perfect child and you know what, that shouldn’t matter. Because even if it’s your damn genes that made me look this unattractive, and we both know that mom had no part in the shit show that is my face, you’ll never screw up who I am inside.”

He blinks as his glare goes from anger to fury. He step towards me again and, _crap,_ I take a step back. No, no, not this again. Whenever I do this he- he-

He raises his hand and slaps me across the face. I whine as the pain stretches across my skin. I throw a hand back to the door, trying to get a grip around the handle of the storm door but my hand _doesn’t touch it_ and my mind is going in five directions at once but always going back to _‘I really, really don’t want to be here anymore’_. All I can do is drop to the floor and curl up into a ball, praying that he can’t hurt me like this, but he kicks my leg and it shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, maybe because by some chance his foot hit the bruise he gave me earlier that’s just starting to turn blue. I choke back a sob.

“If you’re going to disrespect me like that, you should except this. So don’t cry like a girl.” He sneers, giving me another kick.

My anger and determination is gone. I shouldn’t have done this. I should have just given up when he wasn’t this angry, I shouldn’t have provoked him, what’s wrong with me. I dig my fingernails into my hair and let him kick me, flinching every time his foot makes contact with my body. Eventually he stops, and I guess kicking is really exhausting or something because he takes a step back. I can hear his breathing from here. He steps past me to the door and slams it behind him. I lay there, my legs stinging with the lingering feeling of his kick. I distantly hear the sound of his car door closing with a _thud_.

I only realize I’ve been holding in my breath when my mind registers that he’s gone, and then I’m breathing heavily and rapidly, my blood rushing in my ears. I’m scared. I’m so scared. My heavy breathing turns into hyperventilation and I need to get out of here but I can’t move a muscle because every limb on my body feels numb. I wish I could say the same for my heart, which is still beating like crazy. I’m so done. I want this to stop. I don’t like this.

I manage to pull my phone from out of my pocket. There’s a missed call from Armin. Huh.

I raise a shaking finger to call him back, smashing my finger into each button as I type in my passcode.

He picks up after the second ring.

“Eren? Where are you? I’ve been calling you since after school when you weren’t at work. I asked Levi but he said something about you ‘not taking the job seriously’? And you didn’t pick up for the rest of today and then Jean called me this morning telling me to talk to you and-“

“Armin.” I choke out. My voice sounds so weak. Dammit.

His voice goes from angry mother to concerned mother instantly, “Eren? What’s wrong?”

“Can you… come pick me up?” I end with a cough and he lets out a nervous sound.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re at your house right?”

I let out a grunt and the call ends immediately. Well, now I just need to look as normal as possible. I roll over onto my back, my legs protesting against the small amount of movement. Imagine what they’ll say to trying to stand. Heh.

I sit up onto my elbows and take a deep breath in, my glasses finally giving up and slipping off my nose. My body threatens to throw me into panic mode again. I fight against it, reaching up to get a good grip on the counter. When I try to pull myself up my arms ache. I was always pretty weak I guess. I manage to convince myself to put some weight on my legs, which are kneeled beneath me. They scream out in pain but I ignore them, managing to pull myself up onto shaky legs.

It hurts. It hurts so much but it’s my only choice. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much if I weren’t still recovering from his blows yesterday. This is worse, though, so much worse. And there’s nothing much I can do besides make it look like I’m not in pain and wait for Armin to come and distract me from today.

 

“Oh my god, Eren!”

I guess Armin saw through this whole ‘Yeah I’m totally fine, these bruises on my legs are completely normal’ act I had going on there.

He runs to me bringing his hands to hold my face and keep me from turning my head away from him. God, sometimes how easily he can read me is annoying as heck. I smile lamely at him, trying to push his hands away from me but his hold is steady.

“I’m fine, Armin. I just need to stay over tonight, alright?”

“Eren, you have to answer me honestly, okay? I’m trying to help you since you’re clearly not fine.”

I nod.

“Did your dad do this to you.”

I close my eyes and part my lips so I can breathe easier. He waits for me, though. Always so patient. Always so concerned. My eyes sting like I could even cry anymore, and maybe now that I’m here with Armin I can.

“Yes.” My voice is small but it’s almost though I shouted it because Armin flinches a little away from me. Dad’s probably watching us. He’ll get mad again. I need to go away.

I guess since we’ve known each other for so long we’ve gained this sort of psychic connection because he gets this, and I can sense that he does. He doesn’t over to leave yet, just hugs me tight and I hug him back tighter, letting out all the leftover anger and tension I had before. He has to practically carry me to the car because I am tired as hell and in no mood to walk with these dumb legs of mine. Armin’s more than fine with it. He’s an angel, I swear.

The car ride to his house is silent but comfortable. I’m starting to calm down a little, my breathing and heart rate going back down to a steady pace. He helps me walk again when we get to his house. His parents aren’t home, thank god. I really don’t feel like making up an excuse for looking this screwed up.

Armin sits me down on the couch and runs to get some water, leaving me to look at my legs.

I don’t really know why I tried to convince Armin I was fine in the first place.

But he doesn’t know yet. He doesn’t know about Mikasa.

And I think I’m okay with telling him now. He deserves to know as much as anyone else. Even if Mikasa wasn’t his biological sister, she was practically family to him.

It’s not my fault.

It’s not my _fault._

_It’s not my fault._

 

 

It takes two months for me to feel like myself again.

But Armin’s with me, Connie and Sasha. Hell, even Hanji checks up on me.

In those two months I only slept with Jean three times. Armin is trying to convince me that it’s some sort of feat, that it’s progress because I “didn’t go to him every time I wanted to”. I don’t know what Jean thinks is going on between us anymore. A repeat of high school? Maybe. He’s still no homo and all that jazz.

I haven’t talked to Levi since that thing happened where I cursed him out and stormed out because he was being realistic… yeah. Hanji reassures me every time they comes over that I am always welcome back. I guess I’ll see now if her promises go for Levi as well.

I haven’t gone home for a while. I don’t really know if Armin’s parents noticed me at some point and just decided not to care or are really that oblivious to anything that doesn’t mix with their busy schedule.

I visit Mom once a week when Dad’s at work. Nobody told me she was in a coma. It was a pretty big surprise when I went visited her the first time, but I got used to talking to her. I just fill her in on what’s happening. It’s easier to admit things to her with the uncertainty that she can even hear me.

The whole thing with Dad is… complicated.

I haven’t spoken to him since the day after Mikasa died. We’ve seen each other, sure, but nothing beyond that. I’m okay with that.

And even though it took two months for me to get here, I really am starting to feel good. Sometimes I’ll crack a little (If I see a My Chemical Romance quote on Tumblr, drive past her school, see the DQ I used to take her to after school every other week) but Armin’s always there to patch me up again.

I didn’t like her funeral.

The entire time it was too ordinary and too organized. She would’ve hated it. If there’s a heaven, I’m pretty sure she was looking down at the whole event with pursed lips and clenched fists. If she could, she probably would’ve mumbled something to me like, “ _That wasn’t even me who had that baseball game Aunt Muller’s talking to Grandma about, that was Samuel.”_ Or _“Should I be offended that Daz isn’t crying?”_ It took me a few hours after the funeral to realize that even if Mikasa wasn’t saying them to me, I was thinking them for her. I cried again then. I lost count of how many nights I spent crying myself to sleep over the past few months.

But now here I am, the early December air making the hairs on my bare arms stand up straight, standing in front of Heichou feeling underdressed for the weather since I literally threw on pants and ran out the door today. My plain grey t-shirt is comfortable, despite not being very warm, and I only remembered I was wearing it when I locked the door to Armin’s house this morning. I was too tired to go back in, but now I’m regretting my laziness. _Dammit_. I rub my arms faster in a futile attempt to get rid of the stupid bumps covering my skin.

I can see hands swiping over the window before wide eyes peer through the still-foggy window. It’s Hanji. They smile widely when our eyes meet and jump towards the door, swinging it open so I can come in.

“Eren! Glasses buddy!” I’m not really used to being greeted this enthusiastic yet, but I should be. I mean, I’ve been friends with Sasha since high school.

 ~~She-~~ They decide I’m not fast enough and run out to grab my arm and pull me into the café. I chuckle a little when I see that their hair looks as messy as usual, but I don’t get the chance to look at them fully before I’m pushed into the middle of the café… almost right into Levi.

God, this whole accidently-knocking-into-you thing has to stop soon. He stares up at me. He doesn’t seem surprised to see me (he doesn’t _seem_ anything), just sighs and turns to Hanji.

“Tell Petra that she doesn’t have to work today.” Hanji gives him the solute thing and runs off somewhere. I don’t see where, partially because Levi grips my head and literally pulls my attention to him.

And if that’s not worse he’s starting to get closer. I hate him. He’s annoying. He’s insensitive. I’m definitely not freaking out right now because _I don’t like him._

But when he grabs my chin with his right hand and leans in even closer, my breath catches in my throat and heat rises to my cheeks. If he notices I’m blushing he doesn’t show it, just looks into my eyes. By now our noses are nearly touching.

“Where’s your jacket.” He’s doing that thing to his voice on purpose, I swear. I don’t know if I understand what those noises coming out of his mouth even are, the meaning is lost to me because this guy that _I definitely feel no attraction for_ is so close.

He sighs and I can feel his breath on my face and my poor homosexual soul is screaming at me to close the gap, “Eren, are you going to answer the question or do I have to say everything multiple times to get you to understand it.”

Don’t say my name like that you… you… jerk.

“Huh.”

“I asked where your jacket is.”

“Oh. No, umm. I forgot it.”

He closes his lips into a straight line and furrows his eyebrows, “You do know it’s cold as fuck out there.”

I laugh nervously, “Yeah, good thing I’m inside right?”

He gives me another quick look before (finally) letting go of my head and walking towards the counter

“If you were planning on walking home you can forget about it.”

I don’t know if I’m walking home or not to be honest. I guess I should call Armin or something to ask him about it, but that depends on what he’s implying by “forgetting about it”. I don’t care if I’m an embarrassing nervous wreck when talking to him. I will not pass up the opportunity to spend even more time with him.

“Are you gonna give me a ride?” I’m starting to feel confident again. This is better. Distance is better.

“I’m definitely not taking the chance of you getting sick. Even if we managed to do without you for the past two months, it’s Christmas or something so people want holiday themed treats. And I know for a fact that the coffee shop down the street won’t be as festive as us.”

“Why?”

“We have Erwin.” I chuckle a little. Erwin was certainly into holidays. I slept for most of Halloween, but all I can remember is Erwin trying to not only get Armin into a hella revealing costume, but also go to a party with him in it. That didn’t work out too well, and I can’t say I felt bad for Erwin. Imagine that but Christmas. Ha.

I grin and jump across the counter to my spot behind the register. He sends me a quick glare but doesn’t say anything. I’m pretty sure he’s thinks that even if he does say something, I’ll just end up doing it again. He’s smart like that and _Eren stop complimenting him he is trash_.

Maybe I should ask him about himself. If he’s really boring it’ll help me get over him, right? Right.

“So, umm-“

The café door chimes and if that’s enough, I see the weird wolfish grin that belongs to Ymir and Ymir only making it’s way over to the counter. Ymir stops in front of me, staring with that stupid smile never leaving her lips.

“So, ya’ work here, hmm?” She turns the little stand that we keep chips and stuff on, grabbing some Cheetos and throwing them in front of me, “I guess I should buy something then. You might beat me up if I don’t, right?”

“How the fuck did you even find this place, Ymir.” I growl

“Little bird told me. And by little bird I mean horse. And by horse I mean Jean.” I can’t help but crack a smile at that, but it’s gone as soon as it comes.

“So you decided to come pick a fight. Sorry, I’m on the clock.”

“No, dickhead. I actually came for coffee, one small peppermint latte.”

I glare at her but turn to tell Levi the order. I guess he heard already.

Ymir laughs, “I don’t know, man. I just never saw you actually gettin’ a job somewhere. But I guess some of that is wishful thinkin’, eh? I don’t actually think you did what Jean said you did, but you had to have done somethin’ pretty shitty to piss him off.”

“Surprisingly enough, Jean actually gets pissed off really easily.”

“Well, yeah. But that mad? I’d say you shoulda gotten an award or somethin’ for how much you suck.”

I stare at one of the photographs on the wall. It’s just a fish, hook still in its mouth and lying on a bed of grass, “Do you really want to know what happened, Ymir?”

She leans forward on the counter, “Yeah, I guess.”

“I slept with him.”

Levi stops pouring Ymir’s coffee for a second.

Ymir stands up straight, reaching up to grab the nape of her neck, “Oh.”

“Yeah. I slept with him for almost four months senior year of high school. And when I told him I loved him, he cut me out of his mouth completely. Told everyone I took advantage of him. How do you feel about that.”

Ymir doesn’t look me in the eyes again. Levi slides her coffee across the counter and she takes it and leaves. That’s it. Not a word to me.

Once the door closes I let out a sigh and move to wipe down the counter Levi just dribbled coffee on. Levi’s eyes watch me.

“So you’re gay.”

I cough, “Ye-yeah.”

“And she’s that girl you almost beat the shit out of at the party?”

“Yeah…”

He hums and goes back to wiping his part of the counter. I dare a glance at him. He’s not acting different, but that was one of the few moments he’s actually seemed interested.

The day goes pretty smoothly after that. Nothing much happens, so I mostly spend it talking to Hanji about Armin and their other students. I’ve never actually used they/them pronouns before, but it’s easy to catch on after a little bit of talking to Hanji. Whenever I mess up their pretty sweet about it. I mean, I guess someone not always getting your pronouns right is better than someone refusing to use them at all (*cough* that stupid blonde guy working behind the counter when I’m on break *cough*), and their really rad as I learn more about them.

It’s boring though, god if I wasn’t getting money for this I’d probably just quit and hang out with Hanji. Levi doesn’t talk a lot, but sometimes he’ll throw in a sarcastic comment or two.

When I go home Levi goes through with his promise to drive me home. His car is _really nice_ okay.

“Same address?”

“No, actually.”

He gives me a side-glance but doesn’t say anything, as usual.

“I’m staying at Armin’s. You remember him, right?”

“Erwin’s play thing.”

“Well, yeah I guess but he’s my best friend and all. I don’t like it but I can’t convince him to get rid of Erwin.”

“He’ll get tired Bowl-cut soon.” I glare at him but he doesn’t see me, and probably doesn’t care, “He never like to keep people around.”

“He’s kinda an asshole, to be honest.”

Levi scoffs, “I don’t think anyone really disagrees with you on that.”

“Why are you friends with him then?”

Levi turns up the heating dial a notch, “I respect him.”

Do I get that? No. But I guess it’s not my place or whatever to question him, so I leave it at that.

When we pull up to Armin he unlocks the door and looks at me expectantly. I stare back at him, somehow getting the courage to tell him, “Thanks, goodnight Levi.”

He grunts in response.

Before I close the car door and reach into my jeans for the house keys, I can barely hear a little “Goodnight Eren.”

I can’t keep the smile off my face for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anything seems unrealistic, please please please call me out on it.  
> Give me any and all critism, and I love any kind of comments I get from you guys. Sorry if I don't answer all of them, but I really do love them. Each one makes me so happy ^_^  
> Have a nice night/day! Till next chapter!


	12. Guess who decided to update?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin's on a mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's me again.  
> Sorry I didn't update last week. A lot of stuff's been happening in my life and I've also had a bad case of not-knowing-what-the-fuck-im-doing-with-this-fanfiction (thats sorta fixed now??? maybe).   
> Anyway, here's a chapter! (yay)

I love Armin. I cannot begin to describe how much of an angel he is. During those two months he sacrificed so much for my happiness. Halloween? Spent it making me soup and watching horror movies instead of going to Erwin’s party. His birthday? Decided to spend it playing his new video games with me. Thankgiving? He brought over rotisserie chicken to my room from the grocery store instead of staying downstairs for an awkward yet delicious family dinner. And Mrs. Arlert’s thanksgiving meals are really, really good. He’s the best friend I could possibly ask for, and especially considering all the crap I put him through in high school? I’m not religious but he has to be sent from some sort of god.

That said, in all his greatness he can still be a nosy little bitch when he wants to be.

“Eren, just tell me who it was! I won’t judge you. Hey, your last big crush was Jean. He has to be better than that.”

I sigh and flop down on the couch, “Armin, you sound like Sasha when you’re being annoying.”

“Eren…” He stands behind the couch and wraps his arms around my neck, nuzzling his chin into the top of my head, “I know there’s an ass in that car that you’d be more than willing to tap so will you stop being such a child and tell me who it is.”

“Armin I swear, how do people even think you’re sweet and innocent.”

“Because I am. Now, I need to set you up with that man for your own good.” He pats my chest before straightening up and walking towards the kitchen to make us tea, “Research says that being in love can increase your heart health, the strength of your immune system, and might even be able to make you live longer. No offence, but I don’t think having sex with Jean every so often really give you those benefits.”

I roll my eyes, “Armin, this guy hates me. Like really hates me. I threw a tennis ball at him in the park. And hey!” He looks over at me from the sink where he’s filling the kettle, “When did you start disliking Jean.”

“I don’t ‘dislike Jean’, Eren.” He sighs, “All I’m saying is that the occasional sex, as much as it helped you cope with loss, isn’t exactly healthy for you. You need a good solid relationship.

I snort, “Like what you have with Erwin?”

“Yeah, maybe what I have with Erwin! Stop insulting Erwin!”

“Armin, Erwin’s done a lot of shitty things…”

“Yeah, maybe! I don’t care.” Armin scowls and about slams the kettle on the stove, “It’s my business, Eren! And besides, we’re supposed to be talking about your business.”

“My business doesn’t mean anything. Yeah, he’s sexy as heck. Yeah, his voice does things to me. Yeah, apparently he likes me better than most people. But he won’t like me like _that_. I’m just the weird angry kid who works at his café, nothing more and nothing less. So please, drop it.”

He lets out a slow breath and reaches up to get our usual mugs (His is an Einstein head that’s kinda creepy if you think about it while mine has a chibi Hulk on it because Armin thinks he’s hilarious) and sets them down side by side next to the stove.

“You know, Eren. I know how to set you two up.”

I groan, “Armin, please. We’re not in middle school anym-“

“Erwin will know who you’re talking about and Sasha would be more than glad to help.”

“Armin no-“

“It’s gonna be a thing. Eren. Just you wait.”

“Armin I swear I’ll-“

He saved from my threat by the kettle, screaming loud enough to deafen the two of us. Armin pours us both tea and sets mine on the coffee table before telling me he has to study and going back upstairs. Halfway up the staircase he stops and turns to me.

“If he hated you so much why did he give you a ride?” He calls.

I lean my head back to see if I can get a good look at him, “It was too cold and I didn’t have a jacket.”

“And why does he care if you’re cold?”

“He needs help around the shop”

Armin laughs, “They could just call in the back-up.”

“The back-up?”

“Yeah, for the months you were gone they got a temp.”

“What?”

He doesn’t answer, just continues upstairs, leaving me to think about what he just said.

Honestly, Armin might be an angel, but he’s not so nice the more you get to know him.

 

I didn’t get to sleep in the next morning.

I wanted to. My shift didn’t start till 12 PM. But apparently, sleeping any later than eight wasn’t gonna be a thing in my new employed life.

I need a new ringtone for Sasha. She’s gotten in the habit of calling me at the worst possible times of day, and after a while it’s tedious to keep explaining to people that _What Is Love_ is supposed to be ironic and I don’t actually like that song. It’s also loud and never fails to wake me up, frickin’ Haddaway.

“What.” I groan into the phone.

“Eren! My man! What’s up, bro?”

“Connie?” I sit up on my bed.

“Yeah, who else, bro?”

“I don’t know, maybe Sasha. Since this is her phone. Ya know?”

“Yeah, yeah. Sasha’s still sleeping. She’ll be all hung-over, bro, and I wante to talk to you before I had to deal with her.”

“Yeah, yeah, what’s up?”

I can hear shuffling from the other end of the line, “So Sasha told me to hang onto her phone since I’m the more… you know…”

“Responsible?”

“Responsible of the both of us. Armin texted her and I kinda saw what he said.”

“What was it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you had a crush, bro? That’s adorable!”

I mumble a curse under my breath, “Connie you are the gayest straight man I know.”

“No, you are!”

I don’t comment on that.

“Anyways, it’s not even worth going after.”

“Just tell me her name!”

“No.”

“Yes!”

“Connie, no.”

“Come on, bro. When did you get to be so sarcastic n’ stuff.”

Good question. “Hey, Connie?”

“Yeah?”

“Want to meet up?”

“Yeah, bro, where?”

“Shiganshina Park?”

“Be there in an hour.”

Nice. “Oh, and Connie?”

“Yeah, bro?”

“Bring money.”

I hang up on him, throwing my phone onto the bedside table and grabbing my glasses. The room Armin gave me is pretty cool. It’s on the small side (making me feel right at home) but the furniture is nicer than the stuff I had at my house. Also, he got me some new clothes. A lot of new clothes. Now I’m all hip on the latest trends, aka I don’t have clothes that are practically falling apart. I would wear one of the outfits Armin planned out for me (he did it for fun, the lil science-lovin’ fashionista), but I don’t really have to impress Connie. Whatever I throw on will be better than anything he has in his wardrobe.

Aww look, I’m turning into a snob,

Anyway, the red and white striped sweater and jeans are more comfortable than anything Armin put together.

If Mikasa was here, she would never let me out of the house like this.

I smile softly at my reflection before adjusting my black-rimmed glasses and hurrying out the door before any Arlerts catch me. Just because I haven’t been going out of my way to avoid Armin’s parents doesn’t really make me want to talk to them. At all.

I remember my jacket this time, only slipping the thick wool coat over my shoulders once I get to Armin’s car. I’ll be back by the time he needs it. Except, I guess that’s just wishful thinking, knowing Connie.

Remember when I had a car for myself? Yeah, I don’t like to think about what happened to that either.

Armin’s car is really nice, and it’s even nicer after he agreed to let me use it when I needed to. I’d say forcing myself to go out and socialize with people is a good enough reason as any.

It doesn’t take long for me to get to Shiganshina Park. Connie (surprisingly) is already waiting for me.

It’s now when I start to feel nervous. Like sickeningly nervous.

I take my time driving to the parking lot. I would feel bad about leaving him out there in the cold if I wasn’t focusing on my stomach doing somersaults. I almost feel like I got shot in the chest when his head whips to the car and he smiles in recognition. No, Connie. Stop that.

Instead of following my mental orders, he jogs after me to the parking lot and waits next to a lamppost for me to park. I do, and slowly open my car door.

“Eren! My man!” He runs to the car and pulls me out of the car seat with his right hand, dragging me into an awkward bro hug. My smile feels fake as heck but he doesn’t seem to notice. I guess he’s not really observant, but I kinda hoped he would ask what’s wrong and make this a lot easier than it’s gonna be. 

“So, what’s up, bro? You asked me to come here outta no where and I’m a little worried, you know?”

“Oh, yeah, umm… Wanna get coffee?”

He blinks, “Yeah, man. Is it coffee serious?”

“Yeah.” I laugh, “Coffee serious.”

I end up dragging him to Cream And Sugar instead of Heichou. I don’t want to o near Levi unless I have to, and if Hanji’s there they’ll take up all the time I need. And I need time. This won’t come out easily (haha, get it).

Connie and I just make small talk in the line (“How are you doing with the Mikasa stuff”, “Okay”, “Good.”), but once we get our serious coffee and sit down I really actually think I’m going to throw up.

“So, what’s going on?”

I take a deep breath and look up to meet Connie’s eyes. He looks terrified. I feel that.

“Okay, so, Connie. I know you heard those rumors from high school about me taking advantage of Jean, which totally didn’t happen, right? I seriously swear that that didn’t happen. But I mean part of that rumor was right. That’s the part where I’m hella gay. I’M REALLY GAY, OKAY CONNIE.”

He blinks and brings a hand up to rub his buzz-cut. He’s nervous. Oh boy. I take a big gulp of my coffee and try to ignore the way it burns my throat on its way down. His eyes drift down to his own coffee. The sound of the busy coffee shop are drowned out by the sound of my own freaking heart beat and the feeling to run away keeps getting stronger and stronger.

When he finally speaks I nearly fall over in my chair. “So?”

“So?”

“Why are you saying this now?”

Honesty, that’s pretty smart thinking coming from him.

“I don’t know. I guess it was just from hearing you think Levi was a girl.”

Connie’s confused smile morphs into a grin. “So his name’s Levi.”

Wait, what?

“Did Armin put you up to this?”

“Wait, no. No, man.” He laughs. “Well he did tell me that he didn’t know your crush’s name. How could you let something like that get out?”

“I don’t know, I was a little surprised you weren’t like disowning me or something.”

Connie’s smile falters just a little, “I’m an idiot, not an asshole.”

“I guess you’re right.”

He stands up and leans over to pat me on the shoulder, “Come on, Sasha’s gonna kill me for taking her car.”

When we say our goodbyes I can’t help but feel really honestly happy. I mean, he accepted me. Just like that. Not that I thought he’s disown me but just… wow.

By the time I get home Armin’s up and making breakfast. I swing onto the barstool when he slides me a plate of Eggo waffles.

“So I heard from a reliable source that you’re interested in Levi.” Armin calls over his shoulder from his spot in front of the toaster.

“Oh come the fuck on, how does word spread around here so fast?” I take and angry bite out of my waffle, “You know, you sounded a lot like Erwin right there.”

Armin walks across the kitchen to grab at the other waffle on my plate.

“Hey! L'Eggo My Eggo!” I swat at his hand and he stumbles over to the toaster again laughing.

“I bet you were just waiting to make that joke.”

I grin, “Nah, I’m just that witty,”

He smiles at me and mutters something over his breath just as the toaster pops out with his waffles. He puts them on a paper towel and walks over to sit next to me.

“So you came out to Connie today>?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m proud of you.”

I look over to him and he just smiles back.

“Why would you proud of that?”

“Because.” He reaches over to grab the butter tray, “I know you. And I know how nervous you must’ve been. Seriously, Eren, don’t brush these sorts of things off as unimportant. Yeah, they seem small, but you’ve been taking more of these baby steps in the last few months than you have in years. It’s amazing, really.”

Damn. I smile back at him and let my fork drop onto my plate, “You’re awesome.”

“Shut up.” He blushes and digs into his breakfast, and it doesn’t take long for me to do the same.

When we finish our breakfast, Armin insisting on driving me to work even though he doesn’t have class right now. I know complaining is useless and grab what I need for work before running to meet him in the car.

“Hypothetically, if I came in to Heichou during your shift, what would happen?” He says as soon as we’ve left the driveway.

“Hypothetically, I would kill you.”

Armin frowns, “Well, what if I was there to visit my boyfriend.”

“Armin, we both know you wouldn’t come just to see your boyfriend when you’re going on a date with him tonight.”

“Eren!” He groans, “I’m going to be so bored today. Please?”

I look out the window. I wonder when we’re gonna get snow.

“Fine. Just don’t embarrass me, ‘kay?”

“Okay.”

He drops me off and promises me he’s gonna bring me donuts later, bless the man, and I’m more than tempted to ask him where the heck he even gets the donuts. I don’t though, because before I know it Erwin’s running out to kiss Armin good morning or some gross romantic crap.

Except, now that I think about it, I’d like to do that romantic crap with Levi.

Shit, Eren, stop thinking like that.

I shake the thoughts out of my head and hurry inside to get out of the cold while Armin and Erwin start doing a little bit more than kissing outside the café. Hanji’s not there this morning, and I don’t blame them. Erwin seems irritatingly happy.

Levi throws me my apron and I hurry next to him behind the register.

The rest of the day goes by slowly. Hanji does stop in at one point, but doesn’t stay for long. Erwin talks my ear off about his date with Armin whenever Levi’s on break, and I swear it takes all my mental strength not to punch the cheesy smile right off his face.

Armin doesn’t come in, but Erwin does leave Levi and me to close up the café.

Nothing noteworthy happens except Levi insisting on driving me home again, and of course me being the idiot I am agreeing to it.

When Levi reaches behind the counter to grab the keys I let myself breathe for a second, turning my back to him so he can’t see how relieved I am. I’m almost glad Armin forgot to come in. For being my least embarrassing friend, I guess he’s desperate to get me laid by anyone but Jean. To be honest, I’m desperate to get laid by anyone other than Jean. Not that I’m gonna actually do anything, though. No, that would be against my rules on how to be completely useless.

“So are you planning on standing there all day or can we go.”

I sigh and take a step back, turning around to find-

“Levi!” I loose my balance and fall on top of him.

Not… this… again…

He glares up at me like usual, but now I notice it’s more attractive than scary.

Oh boy.

“Eren.” He says, his voice low and really alluring.

“Yes.” It only comes out a whisper, and all I can think is ‘ _Wow look at those lips they look so smooth_ ’

“Are you gonna get off me.”

“No.”

“And why not?”

“Because this might’ve been like the what... fifth time we’ve been like this and honestly each time it gets really hard to get off you because you say my name and do that thing with your eyes and your lips and you do realize that it’s really not fair to me like, wow. It’s not fair to be that attractive. Especially when one of the people you are attracting happens to be me and just stop it, okay. Especially when I know there’s no way in hell you’ll ever possibly be attracted to me back when-“

“Not when you talk like that”

“Huh?” I open the eyes I didn’t even know were closed and stare down at him.

“I’m trying to tell you to shut the fuck up.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I get it. I’ll get off of you. I guess I really don’t have a filter right now, which isn’t a good thing because I’ve said a bunch of stuff I’ll regret in the morning. So, I’m sorry and if there’s anything I can do… mmm?”

My lips pressed against something warm and my eyes fly open to meet grey ones. My heart flips over in my chest and I can’t help but to smile against his lips.

I’m kissing Levi.

I’m kissing _Levi fucking Ackerman_.

His hands grab at my hair and pull me down to him. I close my eyes and let my arms fall on either side of his head, letting myself just feel this happiness and contentment because who knows how long it’ll be before I feel it again.

His lips feel great against mine.

 _I knew it_.

My heart doesn’t stop beating wildly against my chest but it doesn’t feel uncomfortable like it usually does. All I can feel is the fact it’s inches away from Levi’s and _God_ this feels so good.

As quickly as I realized his lips were there, he’s gone, the grip on my hair tugging back away from him. I open my eyes slowly this time, and his look doesn’t look vicious at all.

It looks…

Soft.

I pant softly, my eyes not leaving his because like hell I’m going to look away from that beautiful sight. I let my arm drift closer to him so I can play with the little strands of hair next to his hair.

“No.” Is all Levi says.

“What?”

He tilts his head to the side my arm is farthest away.

“No…”

What is he trying to say?

Except I guess… I know what he means.

‘No’, He doesn’t want to be with me.

I guess no one really does.

I sit up off him and pat down my hair in the back, before grabbing my coat and rushing out the door, already pulling out my phone to call Armin.

It’s only when Armin’s voice cuts off from the other line that I feel like I’m going to cry.

_No, I can’t cry over something stupid like this._

_We didn’t even have anything._

_He just kissed me because… because he thought it would get me off his back_.

I don’t look back to the café when Armin pulls up and clears some space for me in the passenger seat.

It’s not worth it.

He’s not worth it.

I need to let him go.

I can do it this time. I can. I have to.

 ________________________________________________

  _It’s for the best._

_I can’t let him get close to you._

_He’ll only end up hurting you, Levi_.

I wipe away at these stupid tears on my cheeks that shouldn’t be there. I’ve been so good about not feeling things and then this kid shows up with his dumbass blue eyes and that smile that drives me mad and he broke me.

_He doesn’t matter yet._

_Don’t let him._

_Shut him out._

_It’s the only way to keep you safe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe whoops angst.  
> And yeah, Levi's being hella selfish right now but he's really just scared.  
> Please comment! I know my writing in this chapter wasn't great, and if you have any criticism it is really appreciated.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren goes to visit his Mom in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
> Short chapter this time, but next time stuff'll happen so yay.   
> See you afterwards.

_Mikasa would probably beat him up_ , I decide, already starting to forget the mission I made for myself.

Hell, I’d beat him up his stupid face wasn’t so attractive it makes me want to cry. So yeah, getting enough courage to punch him is out of the question if I can’t even convince myself to get out of bed. I snuggle my blankets closer to me and wait for Armin to get his ass out of bed and come comfort me. I need a hug.

The rest of yesterday happened in a sort of blur. I remember Armin asking me if I was okay and me telling him I was just tired. I remember coming home and just passing out on my bed. Maybe I cried. I don’t know.

I should not be getting this emotional over being rejected but really, what an asshole. I knew Levi was a jerk but this is just-

This is just cold.

Nobody’s called me or anything, which surprised me a bit. It’s already like an hour since my shift started.

Oh well.

I pull the comforter over my head with a yawn that slowly morphed into a moan. I can hear the door open. Armin.

“Eren?”

I smile despite my exasperated mood and lower the blankets so I can see his face.

He looks shocked.

“Eren, why aren’t you at work?”

At the word ‘work’ I scowl and turn so my backs facing him.”

“Are you feeling alright? Should I call the family doctor?”

“Armin, I don’t need your rich-people doctor. I’m fine. Physically.”

I can practically feel his frown from here.

“What happened?”

“Levi.”

“What happened with Levi?”

I sigh, “Can you just stop that thing with your mouth and come cuddle me?”

He seems hesitant and a little confused but he comes anyway and wraps his arms  around my waist, pulling my up and onto his lap. I wrap my arms around his neck and snuggle into his hair. He hasn’t changed that haircut since we were kids but, to be fair, I haven’t either. He strokes my back soothingly.

“Hey.” He finally says, barely a whisper, “Do you want to talk about what happened.”

I sniffle, “Yeah just, not now okay? Later. Not now.”

Armin doesn’t say anything, just squeezes me tight before laying me down on my bed again. I grunt because honestly, why would he let me go, but he just smooth my hair back and kisses me on my forehead.

He reminds me a little too much of my mom right now.

When was the last time I visited her? I should go to the hospital today if I can force myself out of bed.

And hey, now I have something new maybe-confess to her.

 

It takes me three hours. When 10:00 rolls around I practically fall out of my covers onto the hardwood floors.

Getting dressed is harder today. She won’t be able to see it, but it still feels wrong to wear a half-assed outfit. It’s just not respectful.

I end up picking one of Armin’s outfits and taking my time putting it on, making sure it’s just right for her. Not too revealing. Not too casual. Not too fancy. Very man-visiting-his-mother-at-the-hospital-because-she’s-in-a-coma-after-an-accident-that-until-recently-he-thought-was-his-fault. Perfect.

I take the bus today. It has a direct route to Maria Hospital, which is the only thing I’m grateful about in this whole hospital situation. They could have taken her up to Sina. Hell, I don’t care if Dad feels more comfortable at a hospital he has connections to. He should know that the best way to use his money is to get mom the best care.

I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t asked for them to pull the cord on her ventilator.

Armin told me that people over the age of 40 usually can’t recover as well as those younger than them.

He also told me that 90% of people who are in a coma for over a month won’t make a full recovery at all.

I didn’t have to ask him. I know he didn’t even think Mom would make it this far.

And in a way, he was right. Dad knows that Mom would’ve wanted us to just let her go.

He’s holding on to a hope that doesn’t exist anymore.

I sigh as I walk through the hospital parking lot. I don’t want her to die. I really don’t, but there is no point to keeping her breathing if she’ll never wake up again. It’s just pathetic.

But until Dad can get out of that state of denial he’s submerged himself in all I can do is soak up our time together and wait for the inevitable.

I got the usual smile from the receptionist on my way in, the usual good afternoon and the usual question about how my day’s been.

I say the usual “Okay.”

The receptionist tells me the room they’ve moved mom to. Before I can run off, she stops me.

“Good luck, Eren.”

 

She looks beautiful.

Even with machines and tubes surrounding her body and her face a sickly white, she’s gorgeous.

Dr. Berner updates me on her situation, but I’m not really listening. I can’t take my eyes off of her. I just want some time to talk to her. I want to be with my mom.

“Mr. Jaeger?”

“Hmm?”

“I asked you if you’ve had any contact with your father lately.”

I manage to tear my gaze off her to look Dr. Berner in the eye.

“No.” I breathe,

He exhales and looks down at his clipboard. “With all due respect, I think that it would be best for both of you to be together during this time. And, possibly, if you could convince your father to agree to let us take her off the ventilators, this entire situation could end sooner than it would if we gave him more months to let go. I’m sure you know by now, with our discussions in the past, that at this point there is little chance of her survival. This is hard for you, Mr. Jaeger. I’m sure. But holding onto her will only make it hurt worse when you finally have to say goodbye.”

I nod, “Thank you, Dr. Bern-“

“Moblit.” He smiles, “Please, call me Moblit. It’s make things more comfortable for the both of us.”

I feel the corner of my lips twitch up. “Moblit. Thank you. This would be a lot harder if you weren’t so honest with me.”

“Of course.” He glances at Mom. “I’ll let you have some time alone with her”

My stomach sinks the minute I hear the door close.

I look over to her and make my way to the seat next to the bed.

She looks peaceful.

I reach over to grab her hand a place a kiss to her knuckles.

“Hey mom.” My voice cracks mid-laugh; “I hope you’re having good dreams, if you’re dreaming at all I guess. I miss you. A lot. Life isn’t the same without you. I haven’t done dishes in forever, you know that? I’m being pretty spoiled at Armin’s.”

I lean down so I’m just whispering in her ear, as if anyone else could hear me if I didn’t, “I umm, I kissed Levi. Levi’s that guy at my work I have a crush on. He kissed me back, which was amazing and all, but then he pushed me away. I don’t think he’s interested, just a jerk.

“I know what you’d say. You’d say he’s not worthy of me and all that stuff, but to be honest I’m just not that worthy of him. And I’m okay with that. I think. It’s funny how it’s slowly getting easier for me to let go of people after… after Mikasa. I just hope it won’t be easy for me to let go of you, because I love you. And even if you don’t wanna hear it, you’re worth feeling pain for. So let’s not even make that a situation, okay? Please wake up soon. We miss you. Me, Dad, Armin. We all love you.”

I check my phone. It’s getting late. Armin doesn’t have any classes, but he told me he was visiting Erwin today at 11:00. It’s 11:15 now, so I should probably call him to pick me up. I turn my attention to Mom one more time.

“Thank you. I don’t know if you’re listening or not, but thank you if you are. I love you, and I’ll talk to you in a bit, okay? Sleep well.” I stand up and kiss her hand one last time before letting it fall limp next to her.

This is getting a lot harder.

I send a quick text to Armin, asking him to pick me up if he can. He answers almost instantly, telling me he’s on his way and if I’m okay.

I don’t answer that.

He doesn’t keep me waiting for long, pulling up with a smile and apologies for taking so long.

“Armin, shut up.” I grin and slide into the passenger seat. He diverts his sheepish grin to the wheel, and we’re off. I almost feel bad for making Armin drive me everywhere, but he seems glad to do it. He talks my ear off on the ride home, managing to catch me up on today’s events at Heichou without mentioning Levi even once.

That is, until we pull into his driveway.

I pull impatiently at the door handle, squeezing my eyes shut. “Armin…” I whine, “Lemme out.”

“No, Eren, I need to talk to you.”

I open one eye to peer over at him. Why he gotta be so rude. Don’t he know I’m human too.

“I have to pee.”

“No you don’t.”

I sigh in defeat (damn him) and open both eyes, turning my body towards him, “Yes, Armin?”

He unbuckles his seatbelt and crosses his legs, laying his hands into his lap, “Alright, so far I’ve made sure to not mention a certain somebody but I really think you should know something. If you get upset just tell me to stop and I will. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, I just think this might change your mind about some things.”

I narrow my eyes, “Too late. I’m upset. Let me pee.”

“Just listen, okay! He’s not okay-“

“I’m not either.”

“Eren, please just let me talk.”

I scowl at him, but keep my lips sealed.

“He’s a mess. Erwin tried to keep him upstairs but he was insistent on working. Whatever happened really affected him. You might think he doesn’t care, but he does.”

“Why did he push me away then, Armin? Huh?” I meet his eyes, “Why did he kiss me so hard and then tell me to leave. Does he feel bad for hurting my feelings? This is Levi we’re talking about. He’s probably just sick or something…”

Armin seems shocked for a minute, probably because of what I just told him, but it doesn’t take long for his eyes to return determined. “If he _was_ sick it was in no way physical. Eren, I think you don’t know the whole situation. I don’t, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see that he’s clearly hiding something from you. Why would he kiss you if he felt nothing?”

“To shut me up.”

He laugh, “There are a lot of more ways to shut you up. I should know.”

I punch him in the arm, but I can’t help the smile spilling across my lips, “Alright, he feels bad for hurting my feelings. What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know, Eren.” He finally unlocks the doors, but I don’t get tout of the car. He sends me a questioning look.

“Please, Armin?” I pout.

“I really don’t know. Go to work tomorrow. See what happens. And until then,” He opens his door, “Stop beating yourself up about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello angsty Eren. I really can't get enough of him.
> 
> Surprise, I'm on tumblr (lalalonde.tumblr.com) So if you ever want to A) Follow me for my mess of a blog or B) Chat, I'm always up for either.   
> (also fanart would be hella but thats just my wishful thinking)
> 
> Anyway, have a nice day! 'Till next chapter!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren confronts Levi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy.
> 
> This chapter is pretty okay. I like the writing but I feel like my story is getting pretty dull. I WILL CHANGE.
> 
> OH AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OVER 2000 HITS AND OVER 100 KUDOS THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME HOLY CRAP
> 
> Anyway, please enjoy this chapter of Please Don't Leave Me!

Armin likes to talk to me about the science-related things he’s finds online.

Even when we were in middle school he used to spend nights at our sleepovers talking about space, technology, etc. I would listen along, loving how excited and passionate my best friend looked talking about things I sometimes couldn’t even understand. I've never really forgotten what he said on one night in particular. That night, he talked about time. He told me that the beginning, middle, and end to the stories we experience could just be broken up into minutes and hours in our head as a way to comprehend the things going on around us. That time could really just be a creation of the mind as a way to make the world around us easier to understand.

“But that’s just a theory,” he said as usual, before curling up into his blanket and announcing that he was going to bed.

For the rest of eighth grade I used to think that the reason why that theory was always on my mind was because I was scared that it might be true. I thought the idea that the world around me wasn’t how I perceived it was the scariest thing I’ve encountered in my little 14 year-old life.

I was wrong.

This was, embarrassingly, the first thing that really interested me since I realized I was gay in the seventh grade.

I never really saw myself as the sort of person who would dedicate my life to figuring out time, but that didn’t stop me from looking it up on the Internet. On the first night after I convinced myself I was actually pretty intrigued by this time stuff, I scrolled through article after article of time theories. The second night I called Armin to ask him what he thought. I’d be lying if I said I never noticed how surprised he sounded that I spent actual time researching something that wasn’t a requirement for school, but that surprise seemed to go away the more we talked. It was the most interesting conversation I’d ever had with him.

Now, I never got _that_ interested in anything else, but I’d say it was a good point in my life. Before all that crap with Jean, before I started to have to worry about my future, before I started to be a jerk to Armin, I had time.

The funny thing is even as an abstract construct, time always seems to be either on my side or aggressively against me. Today, we’re on opposite sides of the battlefield.

I stare intently at my alarm clock and the bright red numbers stare back at me. It might as well be screaming, “Get the fuck up you lazy ass it’s time for you to do important things you don’t want to do!”

Fuck you too, time.

I groan and rub my eyes, throwing a pillow weakly in the direction of my alarm clock before standing up and practically falling into my closet (ha, haven’t I’ve gotten enough time in the closet?).

I throw on a collared button-up shirt and my red and white sweater over it with some jeans. Basic holiday-ish work attire.

Erwin better be happy with it, ‘cause that’s as Christmas as I’m going this year.

Armin insisted that I let him drive me to work today, probably so he can see Erwin and give me a few words of encouragement that will in no way help my situation. Oh well. Whatever makes him happy.

He meets me at the bottom of the stairs with a piece of toast and a shy smile. I take the toast and lead the way out the door and to his car. Armin asks me if I’m ready. I don’t say anything.

The car ride to Heichou is surprisingly silent. I want to say something. I want to give him a bright smile and tell him a stupid joke just to make him laugh. Instead, I say nothing.

Erwin doesn’t come meet us outside. Armin seems a little disappointed but he doesn’t mention it, he just flashed me a quick smile and promises that I’m going to do fine.

Hanji’s the first person I see inside the café, and they don’t waste anytime before hugging me and telling me what I missed. It’s nothing I haven’t already heard from Armin, but it’s comforting to know that they consider me important enough to know what’s going on.

They don’t mention Levi, so I guess they know what happened the other night. Levi is their best friend, after all. I throw my coat over the counter and hop around it, Hanji following close behind and sitting down in one of the chairs that were left under the counter from just before I quit two months ago.

“Oh, it’s just you and Erwin behind the counter today, so good luck! It’s always fun to watch people deal with the really angry customers, but I guess it’s not fun to be the one actually dealing with them. Well, you know if I was allowed to work here, I’d have so much fun messing with them!” They laugh, “Erwin won’t let that happen though, because I’m not really good with anything else in the business of coffee making.”

I smile softly, “Yeah, that’s too bad. You’re hella fun to be around, Hanji.”

“Awww thanks.” They smile, “Not a lot of people would agree with you, not that it bothers me, but it’s always nice to be loved. Speaking of you loving people, how’s my little scientist?”

“Armin?” I throw on my apron, “He’s doing well. Why? Don’t you see him in class?”

“Yeah.” They sigh, “But he never talks to me anymore. I guess he’s preoccupied with something else. I think we all are.” Hanji’s eyes meet mine.

I laugh nervously and turn to grab the sponge out of the sink to wipe down the table, “It is Christmas and stuff, I guess.”

“Eren, sweetie…” They reach out to put a hand on my shoulder but stop midway, letting their arm fall limply to their side, “I really think you guys should talk.”

I laugh, keeping my attention on the surface I’m wiping down with the sponge, “Armin said the same thing, but what about? I got the message. He doesn’t need to spell it out for me, and I don’t think I could handle it if he did.”

“Come on, Eren… Please? What if it was Armin? What if the only way you could make Armin feel better was to convince his boyfriend to go up there and talk to him after a fight?” Hanji smiles, “You want him to feel better too, don’t you.”

“No, not really. He hurt me, Hanji. I’m not his boyfriend, and this isn’t just a stupid little fight between lovers.

“What if I told you it could be.”

I lift my head to look them in the eye. “I don’t have time for more people trying to convince me that me and Levi could happen. He proved that it was impossible two nights ago.”

“Eren, Eren, Eren… I don’t think that’s quite right. I’ve known Levi a lot longer than you have, and in my opinion he didn’t reject you because he didn’t like you, but rather the opposite.”

The opposite? What are they trying to say?

“All I’m gonna tell you is that you should ask Levi what the whole situation was about yourself. Please, Eren.”

“No.”

“Eren….”

“Nope, not gonna happen.”

 

It happened.

This is not fun. At all. I want to run. I want to push Hanji out of my way and just go home, curl into a ball, and feel sorry for myself.

At the same time, though, as much as I try to convince myself against it, I want Levi to feel okay.

So that’s what pushes me to knock on the door. That’s what convinces me to stand in front of it even after Hanji laves to watch the counter. That’s the reason why I don’t throw up when I hear a familiar voice shout, “Go the fuck away.”

That’s why I open the door instead of doing what Levi told me to.

It’s cold in here. Even though it’s clean as always, it feels dusty and unwelcoming. The blinds are shut tight and not a single light is on in the entire room. The only sounds I can hear are Levi’s grunts from the couch. He has the blanket pulled over his head, so I guess he hasn’t actually seen me yet. I cross over to the living area and sit down on a chair across from the couch.

“Hanji? I swear if that’s you, I’ve already told you before that I don’t want to hear any of the shit that comes out of your mouth.”

I lean my head back to stare at the ceiling.

“Erwin? Wow, didn’t think you’d show your ugly face in this apartment considering you have a fucking job to do.”

I take a deep breath and wait.

“Eld? Gunther? Petra?”

I close my eyes.

“…Oluo? I’m not giving you your job back.”

Just stop, Levi. Just open your eyes. Don’t make this harder then it has to be.

“Who are you? Why are you in my house?”

I am so done… “Levi, why don’t you actually take the time to look and you’ll find out.”

Shit. Shit. Shit.

“Eren.” He breathes. I open my eyes to peer over at him. He’s curled into himself even more.

“Yeah.”

“You’re here.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?” He seems so weak now.  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I should be the one asking you that.” I can’t help but smirk despite how incredibly sad I feel at hearing the sound of his voice. He’s silent, not even moving a muscle to acknowledge that I said anything at all, or that I’m even in the room. So I just sit there, listening to the sound of my own breathing.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, “I’m so, so sorry, Eren.”

“Then why did you do it?” I swallow back my tears.

He sighs and sits up, “Because I don’t trust you.”

My eyes meet his and I wish they hadn’t. His face is calm. Too calm.

“You don’t have to. You just have to give me a chance.”

“That’s really goddamn hard for me.” He bites his lip, “I didn’t think you would understand, I guess I just expected you’d have the decency to leave me alone.”

“Yeah.” I scoff, “Is that what you want from me? To just leave you here? Like it or not, you hurt me, Levi.”

“You think I don’t that!” His words are getting progressively sharper; “I’ve been beating myself up about it since it happened, Eren.”

“Oh, I am so sorry to put you through that.”

He stands up; nearly knocking over his tea in the process, “Get out.”

“No, I won’t. I’m not just gonna let you dismiss me like I’m nothing.”

“This isn’t what this is about!”

“Why don’t you seem affected at all by all this shit? Are you seriously that cold blooded?”

Levi’s silent as he sits down. He stares at me and then down to his tea, still resting on the counter.

“Being numb is… confusing.” Levi finally says, voice softer than before, so soft I almost don’t hear it. “Most people associate it as a bad thing but it’s more complicated than that. Being numb feels better than being sad, so after years of going in between depression and feeling nothing at all, I decided it’s better this way. When friends come to check up on you because you’ve spent the last two days in your room staring at your ceiling with nothing to keep your mind off the intoxicating thoughts in your head, crying just worries them more. So if you push them away, try to convince them that you don’t need their company, ideally they’ll stop caring. Sometimes people are stubborn.” My mind drifts to Hanji and Erwin, “Some people just won’t take no for an answer. I guess there’s nothing you can do about that.

“What I’m trying to say here is that sure, call me inhuman. In some ways I am. But don’t you dare think this does affect me at all. Because it’s hard, Eren. It’s hard to constantly keep up this façade of indifference, and I can assure you that inside I’m screaming. Even if it’s better than crying it constantly makes me feel like I’m about to throw up.” Levi’s voice cracks but he catches himself, swallowing and bringing his mug of tea quickly to his lips and back to the table.

He tilts his head when he stares at the tea this time, before slowly picking it up and holding it in front of him. The tea splashes around the edges of the mug as his hands shake. We both stay silent, staring at his trembling hands. At one point his hand gives a sudden flinch and tea spills down the side of the mug and down towards his hands. He doesn’t tug away when it hits his skin, just gives another flinch at the burning hot liquid. He laughs dryly, setting down the mug again and standing to wipe the tea off his hands.

I watch him, and for the first time I can see how broken he really is. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him on the top of his head. I want him to let out all of those emotions he’s stupidly keeping inside and just give him a fucking break for once because this isn’t healthy. I’m not angry anymore. Just sad. I want to help him, even if he hurt me. Even if I’m giving him the opportunity to hurt me again.

He folds the towel and sets it carefully back onto the rack, but doesn’t move to sit back down. He just stands there, back to me, staring at the wall.

I shouldn’t move to comfort him but _God_ , I want to _._ And so I do, apparently abandoning all reason when I wrap my arms around his tiny figure and pull Levi’s back towards me. Surprisingly, he doesn’t pull away, just lets out a shaky breath. It could be wishful thinking, but I swear I feel him lean back into me. So I stand there, holding him. Finally I decide to test my luck and reach my head down to whisper in his ear:

“I’m sorry.”

I immediately feel him stand up straight. He doesn’t pull away from me, but I can practically feel the wall he’s building back between us pressing into my chest.

When he talks, his words seems forced, “I don’t need your goddamn sympathy, Eren.”

“Levi.” I sigh, “Don’t do that.”

“What?” He spits.

“Don’t push me away like you do everyone else.”

He breathes in as though he wants to say something, but never does. He just lets out the breath slowly and this time I know for sure he is leaning into me. And so I hold him. Right there, in the middle of his kitchen, neither of us wanting me to let go.

It’s not perfect, far from it. But at least I know he’s trying.

I close my eyes and nuzzle my nose into his hair, breathing in that special Levi scent. Lemon and Lavender.

_I love it._

Time passes and I start to feel my legs go weak, so I drag him over to the couch and collapse into it, pulling him with me. He lets out a grunt of discomfort at first, but I move so were spooning.

We’re cuddling, and the way his back feels pressed against my chest…

 _I love it_.

His breaths start to even out after a while, and after a soft poke in the tummy I’ve pretty much figured out he’s asleep

And I know I shouldn’t.

And I know it’s too soon.

And I know that the last time I felt this way my heart was torn into two.

But I really can’t help the three words tugging at the tip of my tongue.

_I love you._

 

I woke up to the sound of breathing and hair tickling my nose.

My first thought was _Jean,_ but… no.

Not this time.

‘Cause it’s actually Levi who snuggles closer to my chest. I guess during our nap he managed to turn around so he was face me. I’m not complaining. He’s pretty cute like this.

_Yes I just called the exceptionally sexy Levi Ackerman cute. Fight me._

I take a moment to listen for sounds of more life in the apartment, but I guess we haven’t been sleeping for that long. I nuzzle into Levi’s hair.

“You like my hair, don’t you.” Levi’s voice is rough from sleep, and I smile down at him.

“I guess so. It smells good.”

“And you’re creepy in the morning. Good to know.”

I laugh, “Levi, it’s like one in the afternoon.”

“My point still stands.”

“Yeah? And does me being creepy make you not want to wake up with my anymore?”

He mumbles something.

“What?”

“I said maybe, you piece of shit. Come on. Let me go. We have work today.

I groan and roll onto the floor, not awake enough to do stuff like use my legs. Levi is more than able, though. He steps on me on his way off the couch and to the kitchen.

“That’s really rude, you know. Not gonna even help me up.”

“You can do that on your own.”

 I laugh and sit up on my elbows, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.

It’s hard to think I was ready to punch him in the face just this morning.

“You want any tea?” Levi calls from the kitchen.

“Nah.” I brush my jeans off, “I’m good.”

I only get a grunt in response, but that’s Levi for you.

He meets me by the door, and before he gets the chance to open it I grab his outstretched hand. He glares at me, but I just smile in return.

“Is this okay?”

His expression softens and he nods once, “Yeah, it’s fine. Just don’t do any of that PDA shit.”

And I’m okay with that.

 

In the past two months, Levi is the best thing that’s happened to me. I know I’m not the person I was before the accident, but I’m okay with that. I think that’s okay. I hope that’s okay. And all I really can do is accept what’s going on around me and cling to the people that make me feel like myself.

I love them.

Armin, Connie, Sasha, Hanji… Levi.

And I don’t think I could handle loosing anymore of them. I just…

Please don’t leave me.

That’s all I can ask for right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God this story is getting boring. I swear I have to make something exciting happen or I'll end up abandoning this one too. 
> 
> PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK I NEED FEEDBACK SHOWER ME WITH CRITICISM.
> 
> In other news, please check out my other story Cold Blood. It's a lot more interesting, it's Jeanmarco, and it's gonna be shorter. I update every month.
> 
> Also, I'm still on tumblr at lalalonde.tumblr.com! I'm tracking the tags "fic: pdlm" because I think a lot more people like this fanfiction than they probably do. 
> 
> I love the people reading this so so much. You don't know how happy it makes me that people are actually reading my writing and liking it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HeLLo guys it's been a long time!  
> So this is THE shortest chapter, and the last. I kinda fell out of love with this story and I don't have a lot of time to write on my own (fancy art school stuff), but I thought I should at least finish this one instad of just deleting it like I did with In Your Dreams or whatever that fanfic was called.  
> Anyway.  
> I will be continuing Cold Blood, uploading every month like I have been. That story will be pretty short, but I'll carry it on strong start to finish I swear.  
> Anyway, wow. In the short time I've been writing this I like to think I've gotten better as a writer.  
> I love you guys so much and I appreciate all of you who kept reading all this time. I hope this ending isn't too disappointing, but share your thoughts in the comments.

“Mr. Jaeger?”

“Moblit?”

I’m not exactly surprised he has my number, must’ve got it off of the contact sheet _,_ just not so sure why he’s calling me now.

“My apologies, I hope I’m not interrupting anything?”

I bite my lip and look around the café, “No… no I’m just a little confused? Is everything alright?”

“Your mother’s fine, if that’s what you’re asking. I was just wondering if you had any progress with your father.”

It takes me a moment to get past my initial thought of ‘how does he know about my problem with Dad’, before I realize he’s taking about taking mom off the ventilators.

“No, I- I haven’t really talked to him since you told me to yesterday.”

I can practically hear his frown, “Mr. Jaeger-“

“I know, I know… sorry. This is just a hard conversation to have, especially because we haven’t been talking to each other at all and I think the next time I see his face I’ll throw up and I hate throwing up, everyone does, throwing up feels really disgusting, and you don’t want me to feel disgusting do you? You’re a doctor, that’s like the thing you’re trying hard _not_ to do. Is there any way we can take her off without my dad’s permission because that would be great, a-okay, fantastic, amazing, magnificent…”

Moblit sighs. “No, I’m sorry Mr. Jaeger but I can’t legally take her off of the ventilators without your father’s permission-“

“That’s not an option, Moblit!”

I regret it.

I regret it the moment I cut him off.

My mouth hangs open; shocked that I would even do that and I’ll bet you ten bucks the doctor’s mouth is too.

It’s silent, and then Moblit whispers softly, “Please convince him by the end of the week.”

Then it’s just white noise.

And even when I thought I was okay and that things were gonna work out I’m reminded that no, my life is a fucking mess and Levi, as amazing as he is, can’t change that.

And I’m sure that eventually I’ll get my act together. Eventually, I’ll stand up to dad, let Mikasa go in peace, defend Hanji, be the friend Armin needs me to be.

But right now I need to just be me.

My name is Eren Jaeger, and I’ve got a lot of more problems than I started the year with.

But I solved those problems, and I finally learned how to move on and if I can handle that, I can handle these too.

I’m a big boy now. I’m not the stupid little kid I was in high school.

The rest of this story I have to finish on my own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you guys!


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